85% is fantastic and apologies i’m sure its not something you can overcome so easily and you should be so proud of your progress.
Food Intake: (1544kcal in)
- 92g Huel, 20g mocha whey
- Snacks & Sweets—6 butterfingers, 1 blueberry dplus bun, 1 packet veggie crackers, 1 pan fried salmon skin
- Dinner—141g broccoli w 100g enoki mushroom + 160g pumpkin w 5g sesame sauce + 179g bulla cottage cheese
Activity: (1995kcal out)
- 1h Krav Maga “Release from Grabs”
- 11 467 steps
- I’m still really bloated…can’t tell if it’s water retention because my TOM hasn’t come yet (probably stress from adjusting to a new timezone? Idk if that’s a thing)
- Update: Apparently jet lag messes with female hormone levels and a late TOM is expected. Who knew!
- Halp I feel like I look even fatter than I was at 61kg!! How can this be I’m at least 5kg lighter :<
- I’ve felt full the entire day…is it just because I’m eating high protein and voluminous foods??? Or am I overeating agh.
- I suppose one reason (apart from hormones) my body isn’t comfortably losing fat at the regular pace it was is also because I’ve been seeking out home food that brings me nostalgia. And also that this home situation is where the ED first started, and a lot of food habits are reminiscent to back then. I’m nearly done with my nostalgia list though, and this time it was a lot shorter than last time haha. (Teddies, cheese balls, Super ring, mama bread, dplus bread, Mirana bakery bread, veggie crackers) (remaining: Bao, Yamazaki, Liusha) BUT I’ve also discovered what foods can comfortably make it into my routine at home, so that’s good.
- Going out for dinner nearly everyday next week ahh. Gonna make good choices and balanced meals though! (Teppei, caifan, Nassim Hill, T&T?)
- HOME HAS SUCH AMAZING BREAD AHHHH AMAZING BREAD EVERYWHERE YOU TURN UK pls follow suit so I don’t feel deprived
- I’ll have a month in August where I’d have met up with nearly everyone already, and can start having a very very regular schedule of dance and food. Of course I’ll still eat bread but it’ll be a part of my normal diet.
- Not IFing tomorrow as imma club with a Friend!
- I now remember why I want to be strong. Went for the Krav Maga class, and it’s so much easier to hold someone down or get out of a chokehold if you’re strong!!! Yahs this is why I should strength train more and cardio isn’t everything.
- 3.48am: I’ve spent the last 2h fretting about food and trying to plan and soothe my mind…it’s so difficult because I have events basically every night for the next 1+ weeks, then I’m going to Hong Kong (food paradise), then I’m going to China (unknown food routine), Hong Kong again, then back home. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it’s so stressful ugh I just really need routine again.
This was a really good read today, I dunno why!
Nice thorough update and the sustained progress to go with it.
Food Intake: (1914kcal in)
- 75g NewHuel + 40g Mocha whey
- ~100g Mirana red bean bread + 100g kaya bun
- cs many many slices bread
- 5 egg whites + 15g nooch
- 75g frozen berries
- 220g Mirana bread (yam, red bean, kaya)
- Dinner–130g pumpkin w 5g sesame sauce, 100g enoki mushrooms, 120g halibut fish
- 3 buns eat&cs
- Drinks—200g vodka + maybe some other sips?
Activity: (2066kcal out)
- 35min gym
- Why do I look huge?! I haven’t gained according to the scale, but my stomach looks as huge as it did before. And I was getting so happy at how much I was leaning out!
- 4.45pm: I binged. Maaaaassive bread binge. It’s so difficult being home and being around my triggers, and just idk this is the place I started binging; this is the place all my disordered eating habits began. AHHHHHHHH. It feels so discouraging to have been making such good progress, only to come home and feel like I keep messing up. I’m probably going to end up purging too idek. On the upside I’m really nearly done eating all the bread I’ve felt deprived off in the UK haha.
- I kept trying. I really did. I felt very peckish and bingey even though my stomach was full and hurt…so I tried eating protein. 2 egg whites. and another 2. and another 1. then frozen berries. and then I caved. FCK THIS ARGHHHHHH. And I’m going clubbing tonight with my very hot friend (who had anorexia)…would prefer not to look like a whale.
- But also AGH I wasted so much time being stuck in the haze of binging when I could’ve napped or piano’d or m’d instead :< SO MUCH RAGRETS
I’m guessing pmt. Don’t panic!
Weight: 55.1-2kg I know it’s dehydration weight from alcohol but GLOBDAMMIT CAN’T IT JUST HIT 55 SO I CAN SAY I DID IT BY MID-JULY HAHAHAH oh well.
Food Intake: (2409kcal in, 2907kcal out)
- 1/2 of protein Huel from yesterday
- 140g Mirana red bean bread
- 2 mentos chewing gum)
- 2 crystal jade pancakes
- Dinner—caifan (beans, cabbage, omelette, 5 tofu)
- 60g oxtail w some veggies
- 60g frozen berries
- 85g red bean bread
- 3 butterfinger cups
- Was so hungryyyyyy
- Ate a LOT today and ate from 1-10pm, but ehh it was good. Also I was honestly just hungry so I went a tad overboard when I could finally eat ahaha.
Weight: 55.8kg hahahaha rehydration. And maybe 0.2kg gained from the massive bread binge.
Food Intake: (1443kcal in)
- 39g NewHuel w 21g mocha whey
- 1 oxtail w veggie stew
- 2 fibre one bars
- 75g frozen berries
- 100g cottage cheese
- Dinner ($3.50 caifan)—5 tofu, egg w tomato, 8 oily eggplant probably a calorie BOMB, stir fried pumpkin
Activity: (1787kcal out)
- nil I kept making plans that I kept bailing on bc I’m too sleepy it’s ok I’ll do better this week when I do 1-3 classes at the gym!
- I realised that one thing stressing me out was that I’ve come to view Huel and my own home cooked foods (even including measured portions of treats and bread) is a lot more nutritionally superior to outside foods which I instinctively deem fat-laden and nutritionally empty in comparison. Dangerous ED territory. That’s why when thinking about going overseas having basically all meals that are not Huel…it scares me. Because somehow, as part of this daily Huel routine, I’ve started seeing outside food and things with unknown calories as non-food, and I didn’t realise it at all. I’ll decide how to combat this tomorrow.
- Recovery win: eating dinner spontaneously with old friends to socialise! And I really enjoyed it
- So its mid-July, and I concede that I haven’t met my 55kg target. But is this any indication to give up? By no means! That was a target I’d set on 28th March, and I’m pleased to have even come close! Part of realistic goal setting is aiming, then adjusting the goal if it was unattainable. I recognise that I have dinners every day this week. I recognise that I’m going to Hong Kong and China next week. I WILL gain a bit of weight when travelling as I have before while trying to adjust, but that’ll go away if I just keep trying to move more and keep making as good decisions as I can. There will be time to get completely on track in September.
- My long term time goals are now 55 by mid-August, and 52 by end of October
Food Intake: (~1288kcal in)
- 90g Huel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- ~3 buns
- 1/2 chocolate sprinkle donut childhood fave
- 100g cottage cheese
- 2 egg whites w nooch
Activity: (1543kcal out)
- ZILCH. it’s killing meeeeee to be so sedentary but I feel like I can’t even go out for a long walk nor should I force myself to, since having a lot of rest is the best I can take care of my body for now. but i’m burning so little sigh oh wells. I guess it’s a test for me to recognise that being sick is inevitable and losing weight can be put on hold briefly. I can also eat less.
- I keep trying to make myself exercise but my muscles feel really heavy and idk I feel really sick Was supposed to go to the gym everyday this week but I cancelled it because I figure if I do strenuous exercise I’ll just get more sick… UGH.
- I feel like I’m in somewhat a rut like I’m not trying hard enough to lose weight, perhaps because I feel it’s a lil futile now that I have so many events? I really need to get my head on straight and refocus my goals. Sure, I may not feel too huge to exist,
@GTIPuG HAHAHA I don’t think a pre-workout will help my type of muscle-ache: you know the kind where you come down with a fever and sore throat at the same time?
Food Intake: (979kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- 112g NewHuel
- 15g Huel Granola
- 2 strepsils
Activity: (1739kcal out)
- Basically none, but I walked back from the mall to get moving a little.
- I was just considering doing 100% Huel when I come back from Hong Kong…but it seems like I may end up doing that anyway.
- Discovered a BRILLIANT USE for Huel: so I’m down with a high fever and tonsilitis, aka swallowing really really sucks. I’m actually kinda excited and glad I have Huel, because I know I need to nourish my body when I’m sick so I can get better asap. Aaaaand yeah it appears I gotta hold off the exercise for a bit.
- Update: Huel is such a blessing; it doesn’t hurt when I eat Huel!
- I can’t really see the weight lost, and people aren’t really commenting that I look slimmer, but I think my wrists feel a bit smaller now!
- Ngl got a bit bored drinking all Huel, but also didn’t really crave eating anything else. I know I have barely eaten enough today but I’m also SO FULL so ehh I guess it’ll be okay. It’s not like it’ll be for long; I think it’s just a lack of appetite because of tonsilitis.
- 12am: Too hungry oops, clear sign I hadn’t eaten enough (there are different levels of hunger, I know)
Get well soon!
Weight: 54.3kg dayum was I surprised when I stepped on the scale
Food Intake: (1505kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- Snacks – 110g pineapple, 75 blueberries, 124g cottage cheese, 110g panfried salmon skin
- Dinner – steamed pomfret, Chinese ABC soup, 1 strawberry white chocolate bun
Activity: (1645kcal out)
- 1h casual LISS indoor cycle (while watching Teen Wolf LOL) 208kcal burnt and wasn’t hard at all might do this on days where I don’t go to the gym or walk around a bunch, since I’d like to get some activity in daily
- Weight: It’s tempting to see my weight dropping as positive feedback for eating below a thousand calories yesterday. BUT because I’m committed to doing this sensibly and not disorderedly, I’m going to engage my System II thought process and think this through rationally. My weight is lower due to a whole host of reasons:
- Caloric deficit (naturally)
- Less food weight, especially since it was all Huel
- I had a BM before weighing
- Less water retention because I didn’t have any hard workouts
- Less water retention because my period has come
- Less water retention because I’m drinking a lot of water to recover faster
- Sure, I’d probably lose weight a lot quicker if I cut my calories by a lot, but I DONT want to lose the weight quicker. I want to lose it as part of a sustainable lifestyle, and 900kcal is not a sustainable lifestyle. It’s just going to trigger binges and yo-yoing and emotional distress. So yeah I’ll eat at least 1300kcal today.
- I’m quite thrilled that the scale says 54.3kg??! What on earth I haven’t seen 54 on the scale since, uh, 4 years ago? AND it means I hit my “55 by mid-July” goal! I know it’s probably going to increase especially since I aim to gym and be active once I feel better, but what’s the point of the scale denoting lower numbers if you don’t use it to enjoy life, be active, get stronger, AND sculpt your muscles to look overall better?
- How did I burn more calories yesterday when I was sick and dying and basically sleeping whenever possible, than today when I was up and about…??
- I feel like I overate a bit today and will probably gain tomorrow oh well so long as it’s still low 55ish I’d be happy,
Food Intake: (1649kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner
- eat&cs 320g red bean bread probably from lack of sleep
- 3 egg whites w nooch
- 31 blueberries & 50g frozen berries
- Dinner—12 eggplant pieces w XO sauce, 60g pumpkin, stir fried broccoli, 100g white fish
Activity: (2091kcal out)
- some walking & 2h dance class
- Definitely not feeling as bloated as stuck as I was for the last 1.5 weeks!
- WAHOO ITS DAY 100!!! I can’t believe I literally updated this log every single day for the last 100 days?! I guess when something becomes habituated, it’s not too difficult.
- Weight: So as predicted, my weight went back up (as it does after you get better from illness and also food weight) but I don’t really mind. Of course it’d be nice if by some fluke it quickly went to 54, but I’ll settle for having reached my 55 goal. Just last Saturday, I was getting p excited bc the scale hit 55.2; a number I attributed to dehydration from alcohol. But now I’ve hit 55.2 or lower another 3 more times (and it’s been 5 days). Consistency is key!!! I’m glad I no longer look to day to day fluctuations as cause and effect. If that’s were the case, I’d be over the moon that’s I “lost 1kg overnight” by being sick and undereating, and beating myself up for “gaining back 0.8kg” by eating more than 900kcal. Not very good or healthy or true feedback there.
- Sooooooo I kinda fcked up and even though I was REALLY FULL from Huel I proceeded to binge on bread. Which ended in me being too uncomfortably full and guilty that I purged (not smart for barely recovering from tonsillitis). Like cookies in the UK, I recognise that bread here at home is a HUGE trigger for me that destabilises my eating pattern, so I’m deciding that for the month of August, I will not consume any Asian bakery buns and you guys can feel free to hold me to that It’s worked with cookies and it’ll work again! Just to show myself that that food does not have power over me, and I’m the one choosing not to eat it, and if I still want to, I can eat it in September in measured amounts. I’m hereby reclaiming my agency over bread LOL.
- ED: ‘Twas a p bad day. Felt way too full, felt like I couldn’t stop eating, felt really fat, felt like a failure. Felt so bad I started having one of those panic-things I once had after every meal; I was walking in the street and was on the verge of crying. BUT I didn’t let that detract me from doing the best I could. It’s a hard thing, the ED thoughts, but a positive thought to combat this was do the best you can, at any stage of the way.
- Still do IF 12-8. This has become my baseline that’s not too difficult to accomplish but still takes effort.
- Take a walk when I felt really bad; sure it’s not for the intention of burning off the calories, but it breaks the negative cycle. It does burn calories. It changes my actions from being of impulsive destruction, to one of conscious agency.
- I nearly skipped, but I went for dance class, something I’d planned before those feelings arose.
- 3am: so the thing is I still feel like I’m going to gain weight tomorrow but ahh well. Also going out for dinner with friends tomorrow, and 2 sets of friends the day after, and another set of friends on Sunday, then a Friend on Monday, then HK on Tues. It’s going to be trying, and I’m going to try my best to do damage control while not having unrealistic expectations of myself. I’ll also try to get more sleep because I think that’s the thing that really wrecked me today.
So harsh on yourself! We’ll let you off by a couple of days. Congrats
Food Intake: (1811kcal in)
- 1/2 of (80g Huel + 20g isoburner)
- 3 Mama buns—pumpkin, curry, red bean
- Dinner @ HDL—beef slices, 1 cocktail cheese sausage, 1 cheese meatball, veggies, mushroom, 42g cheap choc ice cream, 2 slices watermelon
- 1 Muscle Food chocolate decadence bar omg I think these are some of the best protein bars I’ve ever tasted, any idea where I can get more in the UK??
Activity: (2272kcal out)
- dance prac
- walking a bunch
- 1/2h gym
- For the first time, I FEEL LIKE MY BUTT IS DISAPPEARING AHHHHH time to strength train and get dat booty bACK
- Body Image: Also for the first time, I found myself grabbing my fats and instead of being angry and disapppointed and chiding myself for “still having so much fat”, I actually got EXCITED thinking “look at how much fat I still can lose!!” It’s a game changer, feeling like I know just what to do to lose the fat in time.
- So I had another mini bread binge and wanted to purge BUT DIDNT. Walked more instead, and went to the gym after, before having dinner with friends. The ice cream was a bit of a trigger to purge but I didn’t really, because it’s defo not good for my recovering from tonsillitis.
- I’m realising that bread is basically my one and only binge trigger. Throughout my life I’ve loved bread . I decided that I might not abstain from bread (I’ll still wait and see), but learn how to control my Bread Impulses.
- Game changer: I realise I can’t come “off a diet”. Because I’m not on one. I can’t “come off my lifestyle”. Yeah I try to do IF, but it’s not temporary, nor does it have to be every day. It’s the norm and baseline routine for me. I deviate occasionally when life happens, but I try to get right back to it, because it’s what makes me feel most stable and healthy. I drink more water, usually eat Huel for lunch, track my calories in/out, try to be as active as I can and get more steps in. Losing weight isn’t just about a temporary unsustainable diet, it’s about changing your baseline routine to be one you can do for life. I finally understand this, truly and wholly.
I’ve read your whole thread over a few days & it’s been a great read & I’ve picked up a lot of tips for my huel journey, so thank you for that!
Really happy to see in your latest post you are successfully resisting the urge to binge & purge, over your entire journal it is evident that you have done & continue to do a lot of hard work in recovering from your eating disorder, which is something I have experience of too (bulimia & compulsive eating rather than anorexia, but the thought processes are so similar, I can really empathise!) so I know that it will have been no mean feat to get to where you are today & I hope you keep getting better & better.
I’m 32 so a little bit older than you & I’m only just now learning how to really love & look after myself… I think a lot of eating disorders are related to this stuff! It’s been refreshing to read your honesty in this journal about your ups & downs… You also seem to know exactly what to do to keep up your healthy lifestyle so trust yourself & know that you deserve to give yourself the very best: in life & in food! Enjoy the delicious bread you love… But not so much of it that you feel bad & want to purge… That’s when the bread becomes your toxic boyfriend you need to break up with… & I have been in this relationship with various foods many times & know how hard this is to deal with!
I always think that eating disorders are some of the most difficult problems to overcome because unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can have a successful life in recovery without their drug of choice, for both compulsive over-eaters & anorexics, recovery doesn’t mean abstinence from the substance they abuse… because in this case that substance is food, which is obviously essential to survival & so those with eating disorders cannot just banish their enemy like an alcoholic or gambling addict can & go on living without their vice… You have to find a way to make your vice into a virtue, or at least forge a healthy enough relationship with food that you aren’t actively killing yourself… & that shit is hard, so so so so very hard, you have my eternal empathy & respect on that score.
Apologies for the ramble, I wanted to reply on your thread but in a considered way & not just dashed off quickly.
Looking forward to hearing about your continued progress! Xxx
Food Intake: (1655kcal)
- 1/2 of (80g Huel + 20g isoburner)
- 2 eggwhites w nooch
- 20 cherries
- 1 fibreone bar
- 1/4th protein brownie
- 2/5 cookie w ice cream
- Dinner—85g red bean bun, 52g garlic bread, broccoli, mushroom, pumpkin, fish
- 2 shots rum
Activity: (2256kcal out)
- a bunch of walking
I know this post is from a while back but how was Krav Maga and have you kept doing it? I’m thinking of taking it up next month.
Weight: 55.5kg heLp I don’t know why it’s steadily increasing for the last 4 days?! This was the first week I’ve consistently had a deficit every single day!
Food Intake: (1671kcal in)
- 50g NewHuel + 25g whey
- 2 mini red bean buns & 2 mini butter sugar buns
- 91g pan fried salmon skin
- 1 mangosteen
- Snacks—Rice Krispie, 4 famous Amos cookies, 1/3rd Eden protein bar, 2 bites honeycomb magnum, 4 frozen banana w some PB
- Dinner—broccoli, pumpkin w sesame, mushroom
Activity: (2409kcal out)
- does dancing at a club count I got 17000 steps in before morning?? (My Friend apparently got 8000…so I guess it means I’m dancing HARD) LOL
- I could be underestimating some calories
- I tried on a sleeveless top that I bought a while ago bc it was cute but didn’t wear bc I wasn’t slim enough…and it fit!!! And I’d say I look p good in it HAHAHA but I’m biased. Feels great though!