Dinnerāa bit of bread w olive oil & meat, 115g ribeye steak , 6 asparagus, 4 cherry tomatoes, 15 raspberries
remaining Skyr w ~8g Huel granola this tasted so good!!!
3 bites chocolate lava cake w some ice cream
Other Observations:
(TMI) Iāve observed that whenever I change my routine, location-wise or time-wise, my regular bowel movements at around 10.30am just donāt happen. Havenāt had a BM in 2 days :ā(
Iām down with a flu and itās just miserable I feel so weak and sick Probably wonāt be getting much exercise in but Iāll try to go for a walk. I donāt really have much of an appetite either.
I really donāt feel like eating ugh and I CANT TASTE ANYTHING AT ALL which is sad because my Brother cooks the most amazing food!! Ah well I guess itāll help me get my deficit in check. Lol for the first time losing weight isnāt my utmost priority, it actually bothers me that Iāll have to eat food that I canāt enjoy :< But I mean Iām probably going to be quite sedentary so it all works out. It annoys me that Iām not keeping my routine sighhhhh
3.06pm: Iāve had 209kcal and I donāt know how Iām going to eat all my cals because eating is just such a chore when you canāt enjoy it Haha itās crazy how this wouldnāt have been a problem for me last time, Iād have jumped at the opportunity to not eat.
YAAAY so my sense of smell and taste came back at half strength around dinner time, so I was able to enjoy ribeye steak! Idk I guess part of me wanted to not be able to enjoy food so Iād naturally undereat without feeling like Iām missing out, but Iād also much rather not feel like shit and feel the excitement of going outdoors and walking around and exploring. ED is feeling a bit confused but well I just hope I donāt gain, I probably ate like 900kcal at dinner haha.
Being so sedentary is actually p shit, I only burned perhaps 1500kcal mostly lying in bed or sleeping or sitting haha.
BUT hey I could look at it like my illness has helped me to still remain in a deficit at my broās house and not overeat til I felt sick 1 day down, 1 more to go then a week of Germany where I plan to be very active having fun and exploring with friends!!!
@Wendy_Shepherd Thanks! Yeah itās never easy, but I guess for the first time, Iāve accepted that itāll probably take a year or more to do, and have become more alright with āgood enoughā than having to be āperfectā Youāre right on about willpower and patience! And donāt say that ā if Iām starting to manage that, anyone can Donāt give up!
Weight: 56.1kg ooooo see consistency can always reverse that upward trend; I just need to get back on track and believe in myself. Besides, I donāt break physics!
hotpotā1 tofu, 6-7 meatballs, 2 wanton, enoki, oyster mushroom, veggies, A bit of japchae noodles, 3 slices beef
āExerciseā: Exploring basically all of London (jk)! But no really though Iāve been walking around and enjoying most of Londonās nooks and crannies for the last 7h (23000 steps)
Other Observations:
Chinatown + having walked for ages = caving to EAT ALL THE BUNZ (Asian bakery buns have always been my weakness I kid you not, in all 3 countries Iāve lived in. So naturally I kinda crave it so when I saw it in the bakery I honestly couldnāt resistā¦ And I definitely enjoyed every bite.
Hotpot. Felt too full, was challenging, but I have NOT OVEREATEN. I honestly have walked a shit ton hahaha.
This is also slightly trying situation: itās 11.40pm and Iām going to be travelling through the night. With little sleepā¦and I tend to snack when I get peckish and sleepy and bored so good to be aware. My plan is not eating til Huel @ 12 (because i still do plan to weigh myself at around 10ish), but I wonāt beat myself up if I do. Iāll still keep to ~1500kcal today.
I also have to get used to the food routine at my Wilderness Reunion, so Iāll give myself a bit of slack for the first coupla days. Try not to bounce back above 57kg. And try to move as much as I can regardless. Who knows, I may be able to have an incredibly active week and even lose some!
This seems to be another issue with you! There is NO upward trend! The trend is downwards and has been downwards since you started! starting 60+ and ending up 56? No sign of an upward trend anywhere to me.
Itās been so difficult. Iāve basically been awake for the entire night. There have been so many changes and Iām honestly just trying my best to do my best at every stageā¦but thatās wonāt be good enough without foreplanning the rest of the week now that Iāve āfelt the groundā. Ok so Iāll first list the things that were challenging, then assess things I did well, then my goals for the rest of the week.
I also kind of went on quite the bread binge last night at around 2amā¦but ngl the bread was amazing so regrets but not so much.
At around 7pm I couldnāt take it and started binging on a whole bunch of chocolate because it felt like I didnāt really have a plan I could stick to. And so I binged, then felt guilty and tried to purge but I think they could hear me so I had to stop and slept instead.
I was trying to pay attention the thoughts Iād had when I was in that binge modeāāIām way too tired to be able to stop myselfā āmight as well get through my snack stash since todayās a p shit and uncontrolled dayā¦before I start to be in control againā āyou can always stop at any point in timeā āeat below calories burnt still as far as possible!ā āwhatās an extra 100-200kcal when Iāve already overeaten? Itās gonna show on the scale anywayā yeah, a lot of irrationality, I know, but at least Iām starting to be aware of it
2.19am: I feel so unsettled UGH 3 days without Huel is 3 days too many!!! Letās face it, I feel my best and the most in control when Iāve had my dose of yummy chocolate Huel. Iāll DEFINITELY have it tomorrow!
Challenges
Staying up travelling
Unknown plansātype of food, type of house, type of activities, schedule
Exciting supermarkets (Germany!)
Disrupted routine
Social situation
Having cooked food for everyone
Eating lunch together
Eating at an odd time (lunch at 4pm)
Changing time zones which always seems to mess me up even though itās just an hour.
Having severe lack of sleep
Perhaps having a bit of munchies???
Everyone munching quite a bit, feels like missing out if I donāt too (since the norm is munchingā¦and I like food lel)
Eating with my high school friendsā¦a time when my binge purge started. I have very distinct memories of these people in the backdrop of my ED stricken days that keep surfacing as I eat and interact with them. As does the fear that people would ārealise my eating is disorderedā.
One of my lowkey goals was that my high schools friends would notice my weight loss but I suppose 2-3kg (to them) wouldnāt be so significant ah well.
Iām still sick.
Did Well
I really did try at many steps of the way.
I tried not to eat the breadā¦failedā¦then at 3.30am I decided just because I ate doesnāt mean I have to keep eating and feel more shit. So I made up my mind to only eat after 12
I brought Huel with me so I could take it wheneverā¦which I didnāt end up doing because social dynamics, but still.
I went food shopping for the rest so I could put in my input of what things to getāvegetables, chicken breast slices, cottage cheese, skyr, hard boiled eggs etc.
I tried to get some steps in, although it wasnāt much and Iām exhausted.
I kept trying to eat sufficient protein.
Drinking water.
I kept track of everything I ate.
Although there was an hour or two where I was quite out of control and eating a whole bunch of chocolate, I made the decision to stop. I couldāve spiraled to a huge calorie deficit, but I decided to stop. And thatās what matters.
Iām doing this psychological debrief to set myself up for success in the future.
I still had an eating window of 8h today.
When my friends were eating later that night (so much cereal!), I decided not to because Iām not even hungry and Iāve had more than enough to eat.
Still doing my pushups.
Plan: So my original idea of eat less move more still stands, but now I can make it a little more concrete. I didnāt really feel compelled to move much today but thatāll change when I have more rest.
Get 10 000 steps in & look for ways to move (chopping wood, working out with friends here, going on walks and exploring, going cycling etc.)
Intermittent Fasting, 12-8pm. The 8pm may be a bit hard with alcohol but Iāll largely try to stick to it. If they ask, Iāll straight up say Iām doing intermittent fasting (or not hungry in the morning). Iāll drink black coffee in the morning with all of them. Resisting Nutella crepes may be a challenge though.
Water: At least half my bottle before a meal, and a glass during the meal!
Huel for lunch! Screw it itās my life, my friends may look at me weird but I have nothing to hide plus I absolutely love the taste of Huel. Iāll eat it for the meals that they are eating things I donāt like like potato Iāll just explain thatās itās āa cheap meal replacement smoothie that has perfect macros and is basically like protein oats with fibreā. Iām friends enough with them that itās may be a bit odd but wouldnāt do anything to destroy the social dynamic. Iāll also explain that Iām trying to eat Huel for lunch as much as I can; it āreduces my cravings for sugarā which I am way too addicted to and I wanna eat āmore healthyā.
Try to keep it around 1500kcal, or at least try to eat under what I burn.
Busy myself with non-food activities!: chatting, piano, helping chop wood, exploring, cooking, journaling, planning, reading, helping to clean up etc.
Challenges I foresee
Explaining Huel & being shameless about it
Feeling the FOMO when everyone else keeps eating ā I need to remember that Iām on a different journey and goal! The way theyāre eating, theyāre probably fine with a holiday week weight gain, but Iād much rather not, so I shouldnāt eat along with them mindlessly I can still enjoy the same things in smaller portions of course!
Alcohol calories but I aināt gonna miss out on this fun haha
Feeling overly full although itās a good reminder that I donāt want to feel this way
Going swimming in the lakeā¦ Iām still not the most comfortable with displaying my body ahh
Feeling sad around my friends and feeling left out
Seeing weight gain on the scale. And trying my best to not swing the other way and give up. (If I do, please kick my ass in the frankest way possible!!!)
Food Intake: (1233kcal but I couldāve miscounted)
Lunchāsome scrambled eggs w cheese & butter, 2 egg whites w 1T ajvar, light cottage cheese w 1t beet hummus, 2 nougat bits
1/2 ChocFS Huel
1/2 pretzel
1 diamond Irish Cream chocolate
50g cottage cheese w 1t ajvar
3 chicken slices
1 egg white
1 donut peach
1 small slice honeydew
1/2 Edeka chocolate cream cookie
Dinnerā1/2 ChocFS Huel
Exercise: (10923 steps)
Some rowing and swimming
Some Badminton
Ultimate frisbee!
Other Observations:
Several wins today!!! My friends went swimming in the lake and I almost said no, but I decided to just go in my sports bra and shorts which is the first time Iāve worn anything CLOSE to a bikini with my friends!!!
AND my Friend took a picture of me in it with my kimono and I actually think I look really good?!?!
Huel!!! BAEEEEEEE it made it so easy because they literally had dinner at 10.45pm and because Iād had Huel around 8+ I didnāt feel the need to eat dinner (it was pasta anyways)
I IFād! Almost wanted to eat more but realised I didnāt want to eat enough to break my fast lol so it was boredom eating
Frozen Huel: GAIZ FROZEN HUEL. Since summer is coming up, I thought Iād give you a little tip: FREEZE HUEL into little popsicles! It tastes so good and ice cold ahhhh! Omg or maybe even freeze Huel into ice cube trays to put into your Huel I may or may not be going a little wild here hahaha
Iām very confused at seeming to have only eaten around 1300kcal??? Iāve been q active the whole day and definitely never deprived myself (I ate some cookies when my friends did, ate chocolate when I felt like it etc.)
I feel so good mentally and physically having eaten Huel :ā)
I was going to comment on exactly this. It seems like youāre a bit uncomfortable letting other people know what youāre eating or eating differently from them. I think if youāre serious about losing some weight you may have to get over this issue. You are with friends and it sure they wonāt judge you for this. I had mixed reactions from people I know, friends, family, co-workers etc. But Huel is something Iām committed to and Iām certainly not going to let other peopleās preferences affect my own. My advice would be still have huel as 2 of your main meals, that way you still have some allowance for eating other things, but you shouldnāt feel the need to binge. I would also consider keeping a shaker of Huel made up and ready at all times so that when you get hungry and feel the need to eat, there is a healthy option available that isnāt going to undermine all the hard work youāve done so far. Also try to keep in mind that travelling and being with friends is about so much more than food. I hope Iām not sounding like Iām lecturing or anything, Iām no expert on ED or anything else, these are just thoughts that struck me while reading and maybe they will help you. As I said before its that balance of willpowere, motivation and patience.
Lunch (II)ā3 chicken slices, whole bunch of roasted veggies w olive oil, 50g cottage cheese, 2t ajvar, 1/3rd crepe w 2t Nutella
Snacksā2 egg white w 2t ajvar 2t hummus, 3 nougat bits, 8 butterfingers
Dinnerāroasted broccoli, marinated tofu
Exercise: Rowing, swimming, rowing, little bit of wood work, rowing (2255kcal)
Other Observations:
Friends here seem to care less about my food! I literally just sat through breakfast without eating and didnāt even have to say āIām not hungry yetā āIām waiting for coffeeā because no one asked anything LOL
I look back and see how far Iāve come: we had such nice food at the breakfast table (scrambled eggs, Nutella and warm bread rolls, veggie stir fry, etc.) but I didnāt feel the need to eat it yet because I know I can always eat it later if I REALLY want to. I really didnāt feel deprived even when everyone was eating chocolate around me, I literally can just eat it later xD
Also, I think Iāve figured out how to work this week here. Itās easyāencouraged evenāto be active here. And even when I eat with everyone else, there are always things I can eat to stay on plan: hard boiled egg whites, cottage cheese, chicken slices, veggies, Huel, small portions of unavoidable things, not finishing it, etc. I donāt HAVE to eat massive amounts of chocolate, I can always eat a little bit. I also donāt HAVE to drink, but I will on some of the nights.
I feel a bit constipated fml
So many recovery wins! Iāve been alright with friends cooking my food with unknown ingredients. Iām more careful about my indulgences but definitely do not deprive.
Losing Weight Reasons: So I made a list of all the reasons why I wanted to lose weightā¦and 3 months in, its (very) slowly coming true!!! These are the superficial ones HAHAHA I know but still. Itās great to see that my hard work is starting to pay off!
Being able and excited to take photos
Looking p cute in candid photos
Wearing a sports bra and looking not bad
AND TODAY, FINALLY, my Friend whom I hadnāt seen since high school school exactly a year and a month ago said āhave you lost weight since high school?ā AHHHHHHhHhhHHHHHHhhhH!!! Happy dance!!!
Yeah thatās true! I suppose because Iāve had an ED (wherein Iāve literally made excuses for eating differently for like the last 7 years), it messes me up trying to recover yet still eat differently, if that makes sense. Especially since a big tenet of recovery is āeating normallyā. So I guess Iām just hypersensitive to it, although I need to believe in myself more, to trust that what Iām doing doesnāt come from a place of self harm.
Itās assuring to see that because non-ED people like you can do this as part of ānormal eatingā, that Iām not veering off recovery! (I know this sentence doesnāt really make sense I donāt really know how to phrase it haha)
And true, I agree!
Good idea, Iāll probably do it for 1
Very good advice all around, and no I donāt see it a a lecture haha. Thanks for all the support! Much appreciated, especially since people irl donāt really understand Huel HAHA
@jeffy89
I look back and see how far Iāve come: we had such nice food at the breakfast table (scrambled eggs, Nutella and warm bread rolls, veggie stir fry, etc.) but I didnāt feel the need to eat it yet because I know I can always eat it later if I REALLY want to. I really didnāt feel deprived even when everyone was eating chocolate around me, I literally can just eat it later xD
I get this 100%. The way I dealt with it (and this is not from an ED perspective, but more from a ātrying to eat healthier/betterā perspective, so YMMV) is to tell myself āReally, I can have nice eggs, Nutella with warm bread, a nice stir fry anytime I want, but at the moment itās not compatible with my goalsā.
That helped me to put it in perspective - most nice food in front of me is not a now or never thing. On the rare occasions when it is, like in a famous restaurant that has a unique dish, then enjoy it and count the āextraā calories as an āexperienceā.
@David_J I agree with your attitude! Itās a much healthier one to have wrt food Also, those eggs sound WILD!
@GTIPuG HAHA well for me, I was just listing foods I found yummy on the table, not food thatās ābad for meā because I donāt think classifying foods into good or bad is very productive. Oh and also eggs can often be drowned in butter, cream and cheese which mightnāt be ābadā but can blow right through my calorie budget.
But in terms of IF, Iām speaking of the willpower to not break the fast during fasting periods just because itās yummy, because I can always wait to eat it in like an hour or two.
3 egg whites w 1.5 yolk, 50g frischkase w 1t ajvar
(etc.)
Other Observations:
12.53am: Sooooooooooā¦not the best day. Ngl itās been VERY challenging and I almost considered purging.
Challenges:
Fitbit died, which isnāt on its own difficult but itās something I got to readjust to
Friend made me seriously doubt whether my trying to lose weight is coming from a healthy place. Another Friend (probably after hearing us talk) told another close Friend to watch out for me and my diet and stuff and people scrutinising my diet is a HUGE TRIGGER for me. I felt like I had to eat a bunch of shit to prove that I was normal. turns out they DO notice sigh.
Munchyā¦but at least now I know what thatās like and how to avoid it.
Meal timings were so skewed for the group so I ate my allocated 1500kcal between 12 and 8, but then there was dinner at like 10.30pm which was really yummy so I ate another 500kcal dinner SIGH. Ah well I know itās going to show on the scale but Iām trying. Draw a line and move on. Iām doing pretty well for someone who doesnāt take well to being unable to plan for what the meals are.
Was out on the lake for like 2h so I guess I felt a little entitled to eat more oops.
BUT on the body image frontā¦I went skinny dipping with my friends for the first time!!! That took a lot of courage heh.
I realised that just by the people whom I interact with, my staple eating changes: these are my friends from Germany, and when I was there, I ate a shit ton of hard boiled eggs, cottage cheese and ajvar.
Why not talk to your friends a bit more about whatās happening with you and food at the moment. Tell them that itās triggering for you to have your eating scrutinised by people. If they can see you having a calm and sensible discussion about it without getting emotional or defensive it will put their minds at rest Iām sure. Maybe theyāre concerned because they donāt think you need to lose weight. It looks like you are within the healthy range on BMI, so you might need to tell them exactly what your goal is and why. The most important thing is not to purge. That will be a huge trigger for them!
Looking back at my weight trend on MFP, Iām noticing that Iām averaging about 1.5kg of weight loss per month, which is probably quite a healthy rate Iām satisfied with that haha (especially since it makes room for /life/)
HOLY SHIT! So I canāt really see a difference in the mirror that much, but now I understand why people say to take progress pictures. I used to take random ones (it just became a progression of me getting fatter LOL) but was like āwell it varies so much if youāre bloated or have just eaten or push out your stomach how can you tell the difference?ā, but I put them side by side, and I think I really do see a difference in the 5kg Iāve lost! Maybe someday Iāll feel brave enough to share it with you guys
@Wendy_Shepherd I would, but unfortunately itās a group that Iām close to to different degreesā¦my Best Friend here knows about it, but no one else does and some are acquaintances, so itās not a topic Iād really like to share with everyone since thatās so mentally taxing but itās ok, just a day and a half more here!
112g Huel, 3g ChocFS Itās actually a brilliant idea to pre-portion my Huel before a trip; just tip the bag into the shaker and bam! Healthy meal ready!
1/4 cup muesli
some scrambled eggs, ~1 egg w butter
1 Banana Huel popsicle I think Iām gonna continue making these at home!
200g chicken slices with way too much salt omg 5g hello water retention
peel & eat 12 brioche, 140g the texture wasnāt even good ugh but I think I have a coupla issues with āfinishing foodā āgetting rid ofā and eating while traveling out of boredom and comfort
2 Nutella B-Ready
5 mini Reeseās
5/8th Huel Bar
Other Observations:
Phewww so the week has gone by without much hiccups: the first day was hard, as was the munchy day, but I think I recovered my wits pretty quick. Did a bunch of activity whenever I felt like it, and basically ate whatever I felt like too (within limits, and with whatever knowledge I have about nutrition), and never felt deprived. Had to deal with many challenges like my fitbit dying, but hey I havenāt been too distressed; Itās been great!
I havenāt eaten an entire 112g meal of Huel at one go for so longā¦that was basically 2.5 metal bowlsā worth. IM SO FULL RN but I know I havenāt overeaten; Iām probably at around 700kcal now with no desire to eat anything else.
I overate a bit, but I wonāt be too hard on myself because I KNOW that it takes quite a bit of effort out of me to handle breaks from routine. Travelling is especially difficult. My main hope was not to gain beyond 57kg during the week, and Iāve managed to lose some. The list of challenging events Iāve had lined up is nearly at its end (Exam prep; Exams; Post-exam parties; Working overnight; Balls & Garden Parties; Sad-eating because best friend left; going to my brotherās place & his good food; travelling; Germany for a week; going back to London; travelling back home and time zones; readjusting to the food routine at home & dealing with jet lag; going to Hong Kong & China; readjusting back home
Ok maybe the list isnāt quite at its end yet but the most intense of it is over. Next up: food in London, and travelling on the long-haul flight home. Iāll just do what Iāve done throughout my journey: set up, in my cold Planner state, the list of feasible core and periphery goals, and then do my best at every stage of the way.
Weight went up a bit, but could be salt; period coming in a week; overate a bit. I feel quite slim though. I donāt really expect to lose, realistically, until I go back home and establish a routine there. Iāve been bouncing around 56-57 3x now and itās because of all the shifting around haha. Iām also going to be exploring the food scene in London as Iām a huge foodie, which I can hopefully offset a little by walking everywhere
Ah shit I kinda binged and it was also hard because food is such a big part for me when touring; itās always been. I tried but ugh itās hard. Going to try my best not to cross 57 from now til 4th July aghhhhhhhhh haha itās bouncing back up once more -.- CANT WAIT TO HIT THE 55s ermagerd.
Weight: 57kg ahhahahahahaha I swear omg this is literally the 4th time Iāve hit 56ish and bounced back to 57
Food Intake: (2175kcal, but itās hard to tell with the brioche & donuts & burgers)
350ml of ChocFS Huel
peel & eat & cs 400g brioche
1 nectarine
2/3 Crosstown salted caramel donut
2 1/2 burgers for Patty&Bun
2 beef brisket nuggets w garlic aioli
1/2 Nutella donut
Exercise: walking for like 8h? 21 000 steps, ~2419kcal burnt
Other Observations:
Rn I think Iām trying to gain a balance of Foodie vs Disinterested in Food. When I was deprived and deep in the ED, I used to spend literally all my free time trawling food review and recipe blogs. Search for restaurants to try. And experiment with a lot of baking. As I recovered, I started to stop caring about the various restaurants and virtually stop baking. Now that Iām in London, Iām starting to get excited about trying the variously foods this city has to offerā¦but Iām scared of getting a little TOO excited. I now have a pretty long list and while Iām enjoying this gastronomic excitement, it doesnāt spell well for my waistline.
I can now reside pretty comfortably in my sports bra and shorts haha phewwwww the summer is so HOT. (To think I once would never go out without a cardigan because I would never show my arms)
I no longer really centre my travels around foodāI mean itās still really important and I love the local food scene, but Iām also really keen on just EXPLORING. The vibe, the markets, the comedy shows, the pubs, the tours etc. Aka I could still have a ball of a time drinking Huel and travelling around. My Fitbit is probably one of the best investments Iāve made so far: it incentivizes me to come up with new and innovative ways to just MOVE and get those steps in.
So I managed to tick 3 places off my food list today, and did so without being triggered to purge! #win I mean I probably overate but well, baby steps.
Iām not sure why, at this point in time, Iām getting a bit obsessed and compelled to buy soft brioche breads. It could very well be in anticipation of going back home and facing that bread weakness of mineā¦