This was a really good read today, I dunno why!
Nice thorough update and the sustained progress to go with it. 
Also
Yasssssssss!
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Day 94
Weight: 55.6kg
Food Intake: (1914kcal in)
- 75g NewHuel + 40g Mocha whey
- ~100g Mirana red bean bread + 100g kaya bun
- cs many many slices bread
- 5 egg whites + 15g nooch
- 75g frozen berries
- 220g Mirana bread (yam, red bean, kaya)
- Dinnerā130g pumpkin w 5g sesame sauce, 100g enoki mushrooms, 120g halibut fish
- 3 buns eat&cs
- Drinksā200g vodka + maybe some other sips?
Activity: (2066kcal out)
- 35min gym
Other Observations:
- Why do I look huge?!
I havenāt gained according to the scale, but my stomach looks as huge as it did before. And I was getting so happy at how much I was leaning out!
- 4.45pm: I binged. Maaaaassive bread binge. Itās so difficult being home and being around my triggers, and just idk this is the place I started binging; this is the place all my disordered eating habits began. AHHHHHHHH. It feels so discouraging to have been making such good progress, only to come home and feel like I keep messing up. Iām probably going to end up purging too idek. On the upside Iām really nearly done eating all the bread Iāve felt deprived off in the UK haha.
- I kept trying. I really did. I felt very peckish and bingey even though my stomach was full and hurtā¦so I tried eating protein. 2 egg whites. and another 2. and another 1. then frozen berries. and then I caved. FCK THIS ARGHHHHHH. And Iām going clubbing tonight with my very hot friend (who had anorexia)ā¦would prefer not to look like a whale.
- But also AGH I wasted so much time being stuck in the haze of binging when I couldāve napped or pianoād or mād instead :< SO MUCH RAGRETS
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Iām guessing pmt. Donāt panic!
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Day 95
Weight: 55.1-2kg I know itās dehydration weight from alcohol but GLOBDAMMIT CANāT IT JUST HIT 55 SO I CAN SAY I DID IT BY MID-JULY HAHAHAH oh well.
Food Intake: (2409kcal in, 2907kcal out)
- 1/2 of protein Huel from yesterday
- 140g Mirana red bean bread
- 2 mentos chewing gum)
- 2 crystal jade pancakes
- Dinnerācaifan (beans, cabbage, omelette, 5 tofu)
- 60g oxtail w some veggies
- 60g frozen berries
- 85g red bean bread
- 3 butterfinger cups
Other Observations:
- Was so hungryyyyyy
- Ate a LOT today and ate from 1-10pm, but ehh it was good. Also I was honestly just hungry so I went a tad overboard when I could finally eat ahaha.
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Day 96
Weight: 55.8kg hahahaha rehydration. And maybe 0.2kg gained from the massive bread binge.
Food Intake: (1443kcal in)
- 39g NewHuel w 21g mocha whey
- 1 oxtail w veggie stew
- 2 fibre one bars
- 75g frozen berries
- 100g cottage cheese
- Dinner ($3.50 caifan)ā5 tofu, egg w tomato, 8 oily eggplant
probably a calorie BOMB, stir fried pumpkin 
Activity: (1787kcal out)
- nil
I kept making plans that I kept bailing on bc Iām too sleepy itās ok Iāll do better this week when I do 1-3 classes at the gym!
Other Observations:
- I realised that one thing stressing me out was that Iāve come to view Huel and my own home cooked foods (even including measured portions of treats and bread) is a lot more nutritionally superior to outside foods which I instinctively deem fat-laden and nutritionally empty in comparison. Dangerous ED territory. Thatās why when thinking about going overseas having basically all meals that are not Huelā¦it scares me. Because somehow, as part of this daily Huel routine, Iāve started seeing outside food and things with unknown calories as non-food, and I didnāt realise it at all. Iāll decide how to combat this tomorrow.
- Recovery win: eating dinner spontaneously with old friends to socialise! And I really enjoyed it
- So its mid-July, and I concede that I havenāt met my 55kg target. But is this any indication to give up? By no means! That was a target Iād set on 28th March, and Iām pleased to have even come close! Part of realistic goal setting is aiming, then adjusting the goal if it was unattainable. I recognise that I have dinners every day this week. I recognise that Iām going to Hong Kong and China next week. I WILL gain a bit of weight when travelling as I have before while trying to adjust, but thatāll go away if I just keep trying to move more and keep making as good decisions as I can. There will be time to get completely on track in September.
- My long term time goals are now 55 by mid-August, and 52 by end of October
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Day 97
Weight: 55.8kg
Food Intake: (~1288kcal in)
- 90g Huel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- ~3 buns
- 1/2 chocolate sprinkle donut childhood fave
- 100g cottage cheese
- 2 egg whites w nooch
Activity: (1543kcal out)
- ZILCH. itās killing meeeeee to be so sedentary but I feel like I canāt even go out for a long walk nor should I force myself to, since having a lot of rest is the best I can take care of my body for now. but iām burning so little sigh oh wells. I guess itās a test for me to recognise that being sick is inevitable and losing weight can be put on hold briefly. I can also eat less.
Other Observations:
- I keep trying to make myself exercise but my muscles feel really heavy and idk I feel really sick Was supposed to go to the gym everyday this week but I cancelled it because I figure if I do strenuous exercise Iāll just get more sickā¦ UGH.
- I feel like Iām in somewhat a rut like Iām not trying hard enough to lose weight, perhaps because I feel itās a lil futile now that I have so many events? I really need to get my head on straight and refocus my goals. Sure, I may not feel too huge to exist,
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Hahaha 
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@GTIPuG HAHAHA I donāt think a pre-workout will help my type of muscle-ache: you know the kind where you come down with a fever and sore throat at the same time? 
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Day 98
Weight: 55.2kg
Food Intake: (979kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- 112g NewHuel
- 15g Huel Granola
- 2 strepsils
Activity: (1739kcal out)
- Basically none, but I walked back from the mall to get moving a little.
Other Observations:
- I was just considering doing 100% Huel when I come back from Hong Kongā¦but it seems like I may end up doing that anyway.
- Discovered a BRILLIANT USE for Huel: so Iām down with a high fever and tonsilitis, aka swallowing really really sucks. Iām actually kinda excited and glad I have Huel, because I know I need to nourish my body when Iām sick so I can get better asap. Aaaaand yeah it appears I gotta hold off the exercise for a bit.
- Update: Huel is such a blessing; it doesnāt hurt when I eat Huel!
- I canāt really see the weight lost, and people arenāt really commenting that I look slimmer, but I think my wrists feel a bit smaller now!
- Ngl got a bit bored drinking all Huel, but also didnāt really crave eating anything else. I know I have barely eaten enough today but Iām also SO FULL so ehh I guess itāll be okay. Itās not like itāll be for long; I think itās just a lack of appetite because of tonsilitis.
- 12am: Too hungry oops, clear sign I hadnāt eaten enough (there are different levels of hunger, I know)
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Get well soon!
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Day 99
Weight: 54.3kg dayum was I surprised when I stepped on the scale
Food Intake: (1505kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner Whey
- Snacks ā 110g pineapple, 75 blueberries, 124g cottage cheese, 110g panfried salmon skin
- Dinner ā steamed pomfret, Chinese ABC soup, 1 strawberry white chocolate bun
Activity: (1645kcal out)
- 1h casual LISS indoor cycle (while watching Teen Wolf LOL) 208kcal burnt and wasnāt hard at all
might do this on days where I donāt go to the gym or walk around a bunch, since Iād like to get some activity in daily
Other Observations:
- Weight: Itās tempting to see my weight dropping as positive feedback for eating below a thousand calories yesterday. BUT because Iām committed to doing this sensibly and not disorderedly, Iām going to engage my System II thought process and think this through rationally. My weight is lower due to a whole host of reasons:
- Caloric deficit (naturally)
- Less food weight, especially since it was all Huel
- I had a BM before weighing
- Less water retention because I didnāt have any hard workouts
- Less water retention because my period has come
- Less water retention because Iām drinking a lot of water to recover faster
- Sure, Iād probably lose weight a lot quicker if I cut my calories by a lot, but I DONT want to lose the weight quicker. I want to lose it as part of a sustainable lifestyle, and 900kcal is not a sustainable lifestyle. Itās just going to trigger binges and yo-yoing and emotional distress. So yeah Iāll eat at least 1300kcal today.
- Iām quite thrilled that the scale says 54.3kg??! What on earth I havenāt seen 54 on the scale since, uh, 4 years ago? AND it means I hit my ā55 by mid-Julyā goal! I know itās probably going to increase especially since I aim to gym and be active once I feel better, but whatās the point of the scale denoting lower numbers if you donāt use it to enjoy life, be active, get stronger, AND sculpt your muscles to look overall better?
- How did I burn more calories yesterday when I was sick and dying and basically sleeping whenever possible, than today when I was up and aboutā¦??
- I feel like I overate a bit today and will probably gain tomorrow oh well so long as itās still low 55ish Iād be happy,
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Day 
Weight: 55.0kg
Food Intake: (1649kcal in)
- 90g NewHuel + 25g Isoburner
- eat&cs 320g red bean bread probably from lack of sleep
- 3 egg whites w nooch
- 31 blueberries & 50g frozen berries
- Dinnerā12 eggplant pieces w XO sauce, 60g pumpkin, stir fried broccoli, 100g white fish
Activity: (2091kcal out)
- some walking & 2h dance class
Other Observations:
- Definitely not feeling as bloated as stuck as I was for the last 1.5 weeks!
- WAHOO ITS DAY 100!!! I canāt believe I literally updated this log every single day for the last 100 days?! I guess when something becomes habituated, itās not too difficult.
- Weight: So as predicted, my weight went back up (as it does after you get better from illness and also food weight) but I donāt really mind. Of course itād be nice if by some fluke it quickly went to 54, but Iāll settle for having reached my 55 goal. Just last Saturday, I was getting p excited bc the scale hit 55.2; a number I attributed to dehydration from alcohol. But now Iāve hit 55.2 or lower another 3 more times (and itās been 5 days). Consistency is key!!! Iām glad I no longer look to day to day fluctuations as cause and effect. If thatās were the case, Iād be over the moon thatās I ālost 1kg overnightā by being sick and undereating, and beating myself up for āgaining back 0.8kgā by eating more than 900kcal. Not very good or healthy or true feedback there.
- Sooooooo I kinda fcked up and even though I was REALLY FULL from Huel I proceeded to binge on bread. Which ended in me being too uncomfortably full and guilty that I purged (not smart for barely recovering from tonsillitis). Like cookies in the UK, I recognise that bread here at home is a HUGE trigger for me that destabilises my eating pattern, so Iām deciding that for the month of August, I will not consume any Asian bakery buns and you guys can feel free to hold me to that Itās worked with cookies and itāll work again! Just to show myself that that food does not have power over me, and Iām the one choosing not to eat it, and if I still want to, I can eat it in September in measured amounts. Iām hereby reclaiming my agency over bread LOL.
- ED: āTwas a p bad day. Felt way too full, felt like I couldnāt stop eating, felt really fat, felt like a failure. Felt so bad I started having one of those panic-things I once had after every meal; I was walking in the street and was on the verge of crying. BUT I didnāt let that detract me from doing the best I could. Itās a hard thing, the ED thoughts, but a positive thought to combat this was do the best you can, at any stage of the way.
- Still do IF 12-8. This has become my baseline thatās not too difficult to accomplish but still takes effort.
- Take a walk when I felt really bad; sure itās not for the intention of burning off the calories, but it breaks the negative cycle. It does burn calories. It changes my actions from being of impulsive destruction, to one of conscious agency.
- I nearly skipped, but I went for dance class, something Iād planned before those feelings arose.
- 3am: so the thing is I still feel like Iām going to gain weight tomorrow but ahh well. Also going out for dinner with friends tomorrow, and 2 sets of friends the day after, and another set of friends on Sunday, then a Friend on Monday, then HK on Tues. Itās going to be trying, and Iām going to try my best to do damage control while not having unrealistic expectations of myself. Iāll also try to get more sleep because I think thatās the thing that really wrecked me today.
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So harsh on yourself! Weāll let you off by a couple of days. Congrats 
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Day 101 
Weight: 55.1kg
Food Intake: (1811kcal in)
- 1/2 of (80g Huel + 20g isoburner)
- 3 Mama bunsāpumpkin, curry, red bean
- Dinner @ HDLābeef slices, 1 cocktail cheese sausage, 1 cheese meatball, veggies, mushroom, 42g cheap choc ice cream, 2 slices watermelon
- 1 Muscle Food chocolate decadence bar omg I think these are some of the best protein bars Iāve ever tasted, any idea where I can get more in the UK??
Activity: (2272kcal out)
- dance prac
- walking a bunch
- 1/2h gym
Other Observations:
- For the first time, I FEEL LIKE MY BUTT IS DISAPPEARING AHHHHH time to strength train and get dat booty bACK
- Body Image: Also for the first time, I found myself grabbing my fats and instead of being angry and disapppointed and chiding myself for āstill having so much fatā, I actually got EXCITED thinking ālook at how much fat I still can lose!!ā Itās a game changer, feeling like I know just what to do to lose the fat in time.
- So I had another mini bread binge and wanted to purge BUT DIDNT. Walked more instead, and went to the gym after, before having dinner with friends. The ice cream was a bit of a trigger to purge but I didnāt really, because itās defo not good for my recovering from tonsillitis.
- Iām realising that bread is basically my one and only binge trigger. Throughout my life Iāve loved bread
. I decided that I might not abstain from bread (Iāll still wait and see), but learn how to control my Bread Impulses. - Game changer: I realise I canāt come āoff a dietā. Because Iām not on one. I canāt ācome off my lifestyleā. Yeah I try to do IF, but itās not temporary, nor does it have to be every day. Itās the norm and baseline routine for me. I deviate occasionally when life happens, but I try to get right back to it, because itās what makes me feel most stable and healthy. I drink more water, usually eat Huel for lunch, track my calories in/out, try to be as active as I can and get more steps in. Losing weight isnāt just about a temporary unsustainable diet, itās about changing your baseline routine to be one you can do for life. I finally understand this, truly and wholly.
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Hi Chris!
Iāve read your whole thread over a few days & itās been a great read & Iāve picked up a lot of tips for my huel journey, so thank you for that! 
Really happy to see in your latest post you are successfully resisting the urge to binge & purge, over your entire journal it is evident that you have done & continue to do a lot of hard work in recovering from your eating disorder, which is something I have experience of too (bulimia & compulsive eating rather than anorexia, but the thought processes are so similar, I can really empathise!) so I know that it will have been no mean feat to get to where you are today & I hope you keep getting better & better.
Iām 32 so a little bit older than you & Iām only just now learning how to really love & look after myselfā¦ I think a lot of eating disorders are related to this stuff! Itās been refreshing to read your honesty in this journal about your ups & downsā¦ You also seem to know exactly what to do to keep up your healthy lifestyle so trust yourself & know that you deserve to give yourself the very best: in life & in food! Enjoy the delicious bread you loveā¦ But not so much of it that you feel bad & want to purgeā¦ Thatās when the bread becomes your toxic boyfriend you need to break up withā¦ & I have been in this relationship with various foods many times & know how hard this is to deal with!
I always think that eating disorders are some of the most difficult problems to overcome because unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can have a successful life in recovery without their drug of choice, for both compulsive over-eaters & anorexics, recovery doesnāt mean abstinence from the substance they abuseā¦ because in this case that substance is food, which is obviously essential to survival & so those with eating disorders cannot just banish their enemy like an alcoholic or gambling addict can & go on living without their viceā¦ You have to find a way to make your vice into a virtue, or at least forge a healthy enough relationship with food that you arenāt actively killing yourselfā¦ & that shit is hard, so so so so very hard, you have my eternal empathy & respect on that score.
Apologies for the ramble, I wanted to reply on your thread but in a considered way & not just dashed off quickly.
Looking forward to hearing about your continued progress! Xxx
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Day 102
Weight: 55.3kg
Food Intake: (1655kcal)
- 1/2 of (80g Huel + 20g isoburner)
- 2 eggwhites w nooch
- 20 cherries
- 1 fibreone bar
- 1/4th protein brownie
- 2/5 cookie w ice cream
- Dinnerā85g red bean bun, 52g garlic bread, broccoli, mushroom, pumpkin, fish
- 2 shots rum
Activity: (2256kcal out)
- a bunch of walking
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I know this post is from a while back but how was Krav Maga and have you kept doing it? Iām thinking of taking it up next month.
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Day 103
Weight: 55.5kg heLp I donāt know why itās steadily increasing for the last 4 days?! This was the first week Iāve consistently had a deficit every single day!
Food Intake: (1671kcal in)
- 50g NewHuel + 25g whey
- 2 mini red bean buns & 2 mini butter sugar buns
- 91g pan fried salmon skin
- 1 mangosteen
- watercress
- SnacksāRice Krispie, 4 famous Amos cookies, 1/3rd Eden protein bar, 2 bites honeycomb magnum, 4 frozen banana w some PB
- Dinnerābroccoli, pumpkin w sesame, mushroom
Activity: (2409kcal out)
- does dancing at a club count I got 17000 steps in before morning?? (My Friend apparently got 8000ā¦so I guess it means Iām dancing HARD) LOL
Other Observations:
- I could be underestimating some calories
- I tried on a sleeveless top that I bought a while ago bc it was cute but didnāt wear bc I wasnāt slim enoughā¦and it fit!!! And Iād say I look p good in it HAHAHA but Iām biased. Feels great though!
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Youāre almost 5kg down on start weight, have you reassessed TDEE to maintain deficit? For a little person even 100 cals matters I guess.
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I really enjoyed it! But then again I also really enjoy Muay Thai and grappling so yeh. But Iāve only been for 2 Krav Maga sessions so I donāt have enough data points to make any conclusions sorry!
No I havenāt, but itās purely logistics, so Iām taking up dance instead for summer. Go for it and let me know how it goes! Great exercise 
HAHAHAHA DED love your attempt at being polite 
But yeah thatās true, although I think my Fitbit automatically calculates it because I input my weight daily. So I either eat around 1550ish or make sure I eat under my calories out. Iām hoping itās the whoosh effect.
If it still continues to increase, Iāll look to being a bit more stringent about my calculations / try to hit around 1450ish / have a week of Huel etc.
Although thatās probably not gonna happen soon; going to Hong Kong and China in 2 days!!! Ah well.
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