I am so lucky that drinking Huel completely got rid of all my cravings for sweet things and just generally all the stuff that isn’t good for me. When I’m hungry I have Huel, then there’s no temptation to eat anything else. But for you, eating isn’t just about hunger, is it?
Weight: 52.2kg good, all the hunger is worth it
Food Intake: (2302kcal in)
- 112g NewHuel, raspberry flavdrops
Activities: (2076kcal out)
- 11,838 steps total
- Raspberry flavdrops taste great!!
- I forget how filling an entire meal of Huel is
Chris, I’ve said it before and will say it again. The only way to stop these binges is to cut your access. Have you tried just not having junk food in stock?
If I buy 3 tubs of Ben & Jerrys you can bet I’ll eat them all in one night, but if I never buy them I never have the opportunity.
I limit my supermarket shops to fruit, veg, cheese, milk, eggs and bread rolls pretty much.
I don’t even venture into the aisles where I know I’ll find goodies because I know I can’t handle them.
May be worth attempting to reduce your access and therefore temptation?
@MarkyT I appreciate the way you’ve phrased your post! Indeed, asking questions really does help me to zoom in on things I can probably resolve myself but am too exhausted to ask myself and reflect upon, so yes it’s appreciated!
@Africorn Unfortunately not; I definitely emotional eat and it’s rooted in many fears and insecurities. How I wish I saw food as fuel and just to sate hunger.
@GTIPuG thanks, it’s something I’ll look into and may try in the near future! although, I would add that it’s definitely not going to be as easy for me than someone without an ED: even the buying of binge-foods is rooted in very disordered behaviour and fears and impulses. It’s not just a matter of “I think this tastes nice, should I buy it?” (Again, I wish it were that simple)
It’s a matter of comfort. Of familiarity. Of stability. Of self-destruction and punishment. Sometimes, the ED drives my mind into somewhat of a blackout where anything to do with food is the only thing that matters at that moment (a nice distraction from other problems in life ngl)… and it’s made me do things like literally frantically run a kilometer to buy ice cream to binge and purge on. No, I didn’t have ice cream, but that didn’t stop me either. It’s almost like the ED is a person, and my mind is another, like I’m being mind-controlled. I know it’s irrational which pisses me off, but it’s so so so so so very hard to fight—almost impossible sometimes.
Hope that illustrates/illuminates a little more of how the damn ED works and why it’s unfortunately not as straightforward as it should be. Doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying though.
Food Intake: (~2301kcal in)
- 112g Huel, MochaFS
- 20g Huel granola
- Snacks—13g flapjack, 1 rocky road bite, 100g carrots, 6 cherry tomatoes, 167g chicken, 3 eggwhites w nooch & mustard
- Dinner—eggs w ramen, spinach & bokchoy, chicken dish, 7-8 tofu
- Sweet-binge—1 small tart, 1 rocky road, 1/2 flapjack, 1 lemon cake, some ice cream
Activity: (2113kcal out)
- 14,155 steps total
- I’ve b/p’d 5 out of 7 of the days I’ve been back in the UK. I can’t wait til lectures begin and I have more of a routine and less free food from the shit ton of events Takes way too much energy and effort to deal with food situations sigh.
- I know I CAN deal with it, but I’m just so tired yknow?
- I tried so damn hard; it was all good until the dinner event happened and I kinda lost it.
- I can’t deal with free food lmao
Big respect for your honesty - with yourself as much as with us - and your self-awareness, and your totally holistic beauty. You’re a true inspiration.
@Lighteater thank you for your kind words; I can’t express how much it means to me
Edit: This honesty and self-awareness definitely did not come easy nor quickly: it’s honestly a culmination of literally 3+ years of struggling and multiple setbacks and failures.
To anyone who’s out there reading this, and think you may be struggling with disordered eating, there is hope. I know it may seem like I’m ridiculously open about the ED & the thought process—which we often hide due to shame and I’m very inclined to—but there was a time when I didn’t even admit to myself that I had a problem, that I needed help. It’s terrifying, admitting it’s an eating disorder, and sometimes you might think “oh it’s not serious enough” but it’s never not serious enough to get help.
And once you seek help, you can finally begin the process of recovery and getting your life back. I still struggle, definitely, but I wouldn’t trade life to go back then. If you’re not yet ready to get professional help, I’m always a message a way, so feel free to chat with me (anonymously or not) any time!
- 112g Huel, 3g MochaFS
- Binge—cake cookies ice cream pudding etc etc etc
- carrots, chicken, eggs
- Dinner D8—japchae w some bulgogi
Activity: (2382kcal out)
- 17,382 steps total
- 1.5 chill ultimate frisbee
- When I’m stressed/change of routine, I tend to revert back to a very all or nothing mentality.
- I skipped a lecture to b/p. This cannot go on. This EDemon needs to get the fck out of my life.
- Starting next Monday (also when my lectures start), I’m not gonna eat added sugar for at least a week. If I want sugar, I’ll eat fruit. It’s a challenge, and I know I’m the type of person to meet my goals. I CAN and will say no. Not eating sugar beats b/p-ing any day.
Food Intake: (~2365kcal in)
- 3/4 of 112g MochaFS Huel
- mixed veggies w sesame sauce
- 167g chicken breast
- 1 plum
- millionaire shortbread & 1 choc cake
Activity: (2199kcal out)
- 15,847 steps total
- 1h cheerleading taster session
- I don’t know what I’m doing I’m thinking in such a black and white manner. I’ve started considering drastic restriction and idk wanting to destroy myself again.
Food Intake: (way too much)
Activity: (2058kcal out)
I bet you are looking great.
I would try to take my mind of food and exercise and try to focus on something else (I know it is impossible).
Sorry for the useless advice, but keep it strong!
Activity: (1845kcal out)
- have reached out to my psych because bp-ing everyday is on the path to relapse and that ain’t good
Weight: 52.0kg …NOT GOOD i don’t want my brain to think that purging helps me lose weight!
Activity: (2077kcal out)
- 1h Cuban salsa class
- 11,764 steps total
Ok so this has been an ED hell week, and I’ve been too helpless to think through things and make a plan. But no more; I’m drawing a line and trying again come tomorrow.
I’d always wished to be able to eat to my hearts desire and not gain weight…and now that I basically have (albeit with much effort from purging), I realise that it doesn’t feel physically good either. All that sugar actually makes you feel trash. Ngl tastes good. Tl;dr that freedom is not ACTUALLY the miracle I think it is when I’m stricter with my diet. That freedom feels like the loss of control and direction, too. Like that time when I was binging 24/7 gaining beyond 60kg in Budapest…sure I enjoyed all the yummy food, but I was miserable and fat and directionless. Instant gratification not worth the long term trade off.
Things Gained Through This & Positives:
- I no longer obsess about calorie counts to the tee. Guesstimates are ok!!
- I’ve eaten basically everything to the point of saturation; I’m longing for fresh and healthy food instead.
- I can go on a plane ride and still be fine
- I AM in the process of settling in—the accommodation, the type of food, the cooking situation
- Even when I can technically eat whatever I want…I don’t necessarily want to eat everything (like Nutella crepes). There’s a certain point when things just get saturated and there’s virtually no more marginal benefit consuming them.
- I will only regain all the weight back if I completely go fck it. The sooner I get back on track, the sooner my road to 50kg and below.
Why It Can’t Continue:
- Because it’s wrecking my life and is getting quite debilitating…planning my schedule around b/p sessions literally has no place in my life. I’ve been skipping lectures, responsibilities, friends, fun events, social events, sports, to b/p. The point of recovery is to enjoy life.
- Because it’s destroying my health and making me weak and sore throats etc.
- Because I value consistency, and I want to reach my goals through healthy CICO rather than binging and purging. Where I nourish my body out of self love instead of harm.
- I need a good and healthy system to infect the rest of my life with studies too.
- It’s draining my energy and confidence when talking to people bc I’m just obsessing about food and weight.
- Remind myself of healthy mindsets I’ve built up in recovery:
- You can always turn things around at any point in the day/week. You can always minimise damage (overeating by a bit can be offset more easily than thinking screw it and binging)
- It’s not all or nothing!!
- Core goals and periphery goals. Even if you can’t stick to all of them, stick to as many as possible to build consistency.
- Settle into a routine. It will feel uncomfortable at first but I need to just push through the first week of doing the same thing to get it ingrained. (Like IF af first.)
- Stop b/p-ing. Also bc I think my cheeks are getting puffier and nO I WANT A JAWLINE hahaha superficial reasons. + don’t wanna wreck my throat.
- Carbs: Start viewing fruit as good again. (I’ve substituted sugar as my carb of choice rather than fruits) And being okay with carbs instead of seeing it as a waste bc I could be “eating yummy sweets with that amount of carbs”—big in my ED mind—and realise that whole grains and other carbs can be just, well, nutritious and part of a balanced meal!
- 12-8 (have my checklist)
- Huel for 1 meal a day hook or by crook
- No added sugar (for at least 1 week) — eat fruit or popcorn or carrots or chicken or egg or drink water or Diet Coke
- Imma be posting here again for more accountability; don’t wanna admit I binged again!! (Although I will not beat myself up too much if I do bc I know settling into routine takes time to undo past habits)
- Imma do this alongside sleeping at 12 waking at 9.
- Exercise—I’ll try to get more steps in, and exercise when I can (getting used to this ECA routine too), but I won’t focus on it this week. This week is about getting my food and routine consistent, and if exercise is lacking I’ll add it in as I go.
- Remind myself that I’ve done this before on Day 1 and it’s completely changed my life. It’s made me more driven and believing in myself and my discipline.
- Gaining a bit of weight without b/p —> It will go down with consistency. Consistency is key, and I’ll lose more than this erratic panic wth binging & purging.
- Feeling full and wanting to purge —> Log my calories. Screw listening to how full my stomach is; if I eat voluminous things and protein I’m gonna feel fuller but still be able to be in a deficit. Like that amazing week at Pure Fitness where I ate SO MUCH but had struggles hitting my calories.
- Craving sweets —> Fruits, Skyr, cottage cheese
- Wanting to eat past 12pm —> I don’t wanna break my streaks + DISCIPLINE!!! I’m trying to build a routine here!
Wow, you really have been having a tough time of it. I can’t even begin to imagine what life with an ED must be like. My weight has fluctuated a lot during my adult life, but has settled on the slightly overweight side sInce having my son (21 years ago) Now he’s all grown up and flown the nest, I don’t have to think about cooking for him and I’m totally in control of what I buy and eat. It must be awful to be theoretically be in control, but to actually be controlled by your ED. Stay strong, and you can beat this! Hugs
Hi @jeffy89. I’m new here and am about to start my huel journey. I have been reading your posts, and your honesty is just inspirational, as is your consistent ability to keep perspective and not just lose weight at the expense of health. I don’t know whether I can help much, but i have been/sometimes still am a binger too, and the most helpful thing for me is turning my focus outwards, seeing friends and family (not necessarily for food), thinking about them and helping others. It’s not foolproof, but it’s a big distraction, gives perspective and a mental break from thinking of food. That or yoga/meditation. I am hit and miss with all these things, but sometimes they really help. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way x
Hi @jeffy89, I’m new here and just went through your posts. It’s so great that you’re able to maintain your goal and just stick with it! I used to try some dieting method, lose a bit of weight, then gain it all back and give up straight away, totally demotivated. But you’re able to continue, especially in the beginning when your weight was fluctuating a lot, it’s really remarkable. I’m sure that you’ll overcome your current difficulties, and you’re inspiring so many people, thanks so much.
Weight: 52.0kg I’m thankful that I didn’t gain from hell week, but now I need to look towards healthier behaviours to lose weight, sustainably this time.
Food Intake: (1550kcal in)
- 112g Huel, MochaFS
- Salad—salad w 2T sesame sauce, carrots, tomatoes, 180g chicken breast w 12g mustard
- Snacks—200g strawberries, 150g raspberries, 3 eggwhites w some yolk, 300g roasted butternut squash chips, 6 slices beef pastrami
- 1 strawberry dplus bun
Activity: (1914kcal out)
- New day new start!!! I’m determined to crush this. I know I can! I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.
- I know I can’t exercise everyday because I actually have a degree to do and extra curriculars and friends and responsibilities. I mean, I could, but it’s not priority to stick to rigidly. I’ll still try to get normal walking and cycling activity in though.
- I expect to perhaps increase in weight but hopefully not more than 53. It WILL go down with a proper healthy routine.
- I’m actually quite excited to not eat sweets: I now think of sweets and picture feeling out of control, being unable to stop, the one-after-another endless cycle. I mean I’d still probably do that with carrots or Huel granola or something, but at least that would be nutritious.
- So today went well! It’s off to a good start, and I’m feeling the start of routine.
- I’m determined not to focus on what I’m “deprived” of, but instead to look at how much more is opened up for me when I don’t have the baggage of sugar & binges to weigh me down. I went grocery shopping and was so excited for the different fruits I’d unconsciously deprived myself of because I wanted to save the carbs and sugar for sweets (which I’m now p sick of). And excited for the larger calorie allowance I could use to play around with cooking different types of meat & just cooking in general. After all, I gotta get those calories in somehow!
Btw to those who have commented on my thread recently: I’m not ignoring your lovely messages!! Will reply in a bit when life settles down more; but until then I’ve loved reading your comments it always makes my day! :’)
Thinking of sugar as The Enemy does help
Hey @jeffy89- I just wanted to say hey again and say well done on getting to the 52kg mark. I can see from your posts you have had a real struggle with your ED but dont give up! You are so aware of it and conscious of trying to overcome it you should be proud!
I also went back to your 100% huel thread as im interested to do this in a little while- look at the progress you have made! Have you gone back to re read these entries from when you started?
Keep going girl and well done!!
Nothing beats that feeling of pride and satisfaction once you realise that you can go grocery shopping without needing to buy the sugary foods, I still ask myself whether I want to buy anything but don’t have any problem walking past when I realise that the demands from my inner self have gone away!