Weight: 52.3kg i no longer really look at weight in isolation: i look more at the averages and trends so I know this “0.3kg gained” isn’t “because I’m not b/p-ing”, but literally bc i have food in my system
Listen - I just got a little insight for myself that might serve you, too, in some small way.
First, some context. I don’t suffer from ED or any type of weight or health issue - for which I am grateful on a daily basis - but Huel did help me drop around 9kg in the first five months and hold things steady ever since. I’ve also just had loads of bloods done which showed that pressure is perfect, BMI is perfect, good and bad cholesterol are perfect, no diabetes, no prostate issues, and so on. Very happy with all that which, together with not having a day of illness for 16 months now, is at least partly down to Huel and IF.
Now I’ll switch into old money, if you don’t mind. Having knocked off almost 20lb last year I decided that my ideal fighting weight is 154lb (11 stone). I have absolutely no evidence for this, it was just a feeling, and a nice round number to stick to. Up until recently, I’ve been in the 154-156 range quite comfortably (I weigh myself every morning). Then, 10 days ago, I’m suddenly 158lb, for no obvious reason (though there’s a lull in my work right now and I can sometimes eat more if I’m bored during the day).
4lb is not a disaster - less than 2kg - but the main reason I weigh every morning is to nip any upward rise in the bud, so to speak. However, my insight is this - it’s getting cold out there! I know, I know - not as profound as you were hoping, right? But I have a dog and three and a half cats that live outside and in the outbuildings year round and, as usual at this time of year, they are consuming more food than they were a few weeks ago as they need to burn more fuel in order to keep warm. So isn’t it obvious we humans work the same way??
Of course, I’m not going to use this as an excuse to pork out now until the Spring! However, I might broaden my ‘acceptable range’ out to, say, 154-158lb for the winter season. I want to stay slim and fit, but at the same time I don’t want to fight unnecessarily against the natural, seasonal rhythms that my body is innately plugged into.
I was 156.4lb this morning, i case you’re interested…!
Anyway, do with this insight what you will, m’dear. You continue to be an inspiration.
Confession: 2 days b/p and sugar free and then…I b/p’d today. uGh. I’ll dust myself on and keep trying. Idk I somehow just needed the comfort of the binge, and the relief of the purge.
It could also be because I’m very tired: my brain feels like it’s in a fog again.
I’m also going to commit to not buying any sugar for the whole of October. (I still have some at home but that can’t really be helped rn). I’ll try my best not to eat it as much as I can.
Edit 11/10: fck that and fck ED
Aaaaaamd I bought a shit ton and had a big b/p sesh again. I really need to talk to my psychologist I think this morphing of bulimia has turned into something I’m not quite adequately equipped to deal with on my own.
I don’t even want to think through the triggers and stuff I’m so done with this shit and recovery is exhausting.
I’ve had a quick look on line, now I understand why I’ve not seen them in the supermarket. But I’m a bit confused about their ingredients. They can’t have sugar as Chris has been eating them as part of her sugar-free days, and I read on their Web page that they have “a longer shelf life without the use of preservatives all thanks to the latest Japanese baking techniques” Sounds intriguing. Good job they’re not vegan cos they do look good and I’d be hunting them down like a rabid dog.
Weight: 52.1kg makes me just wanna b/p even more ugh
idek, whatever remained after 3 b/ps
and chicken & mushrooms
Activity: (2079kcal out)
it’s 2pm and I’ve b/p’d lunch & after. Nearly got to lecture late. I’m sorry guys, ED seems to be getting worse, and getting the better of me. I’m trying not to sugar-coat and mince this though, although I know it may be a hard read. Sorry.
b/p’d again I don’t know how to continue it’s literally all or nothing I can’t psyche myself into eating normally after. I don’t know what I’m doing I’m spending a ridiculous amount on food and a ridiculous amount of time on b/p-ing I really really really believed I was almost recovered from ED sigh. And now it’s turning into a different form—a form I’m unfamiliar with and it’s terrifying.
I’m afraid to eat because I’m scared I’ll just end up b/p-ing.
I’m really hungry
In times where I just don’t know what to do, i seem to be reverting to the only thing I’ve kept constant for the last 7 years: DONT GAIN WEIGHT. TRY TO LOSE.
I’m obsessively taking my weight multiple times a day…and it kinda makes me scared to eat normally. Where did my rationality go?
@Wendy_Shepherd the ones I have don’t have filling but have swirled flavouring. It has sugar (I’m not doing a very strict zero-sugar thing like I did last time, I mean BBQ sauce has sugar), but my brain has somehow classified it as “carb” instead of “sweets” & so I’m mentally fine eating that in a meal instead of say rice or pasta bc I don’t like those as much (I know it’s a bit odd, my thought process). It’s a comfort food I brought 6 of from home bc I don’t have it here haha. And it’s absolutely delicious :’)
Chris, cmon girl, give yourself a break! You have achieved your goal of 52kg. That’s fantastic! I know you have disordered thinking about food, but please don’t self sabotage at this point. I clearly have no clue what it’s like to have an ED, but I can’t help but wonder about the self destructive and self punishment side of it. It seems as if now that you have reached your goal, the disordered part of your brain is having a melt down and trying to keep you in this negative pattern of thinking and behaviour. You’ve reached 52kg and suddenly the b/p has started up. Is it a coincidence or is it something else? I really recommend from personal experience, not having anything in the house that will trigger these negative behaviours. I try not to buy the things I know I have no control around, such as crisps, biscuits, cake, salty snacks, ice cream etc because I know I will massively overeat them until they are gone. I’m fortunate that I don’t purge, but the thought is tempting, I just don’t do it because i. I hate being sick ii. I’m too lazy to get up and do it and iii. it’s just not how I’m wired, I guess. Feel free to tell me to shut up and mind my own business if you think I’m talking out of my a**e or whatever - I’m a big girl and I can take it. I just don’t want to see you slip back after coming so far xxx
LOL y’all will probably have noticed I changed my profile picture: my Uni has a Facebook page jokingly dissing Huel-drinkers—“drinking Huel is not a substitute for having a personality”—and everyone was tagging their friends who drink Huel…it’s actually a SHIT TON !!! Holy crap I didn’t know it was so popular here. Good job Huel, but also I’m terrified someone’s gonna recognise me here (can I change my username??!) because I am so not ready for anyone I know IRL to know about my ED.
Back pic inspired by @GTIPuG LOL #twinning
1/2 of (112g Huel, ChocFS)
150g chicken slices
150g pineapple cottage cheese
6 strawberries, 170g nectarine, 12 chicken slices
2 dplus buns
Activity: (2049kcal out)
13,980 steps total
40min ultimate frisbee
8.34am: Going to be optimistic about today. 2 core goals no matter what. 12-8, no sugar, no matter what the ED says. It’s just 1 day.
Today was one of the most challenging days. I tried so hard, but because I didn’t willingly keep anything down the previous day, even keeping my normal Huel & chicken & stuff down was killing me. And I was terrified that every time I ate, I would binge. I was fighting bp urges literally every moment of yesterday…and caved 14 minutes before my eating window closed. I didn’t even want to eat the sweets/food per se, it was honestly for the ritual and relief and control
@Dln1965 haha thanks! LOLL no that’s just the back of my ponytail!
Chris - You know what I’m like around here, always going to just nail it with the honesty and truths so don’t take this in any kind of negative way.
That picture is very useful in understanding your perception of your reflection. You say you see yourself as fat, but I’d disagree looking at your back shot. I think the term “skinnyfat” would be more accurate - You have a low muscle mass, hence no matter how much weight you lose, you’re going to see the same base layer of your bodily composition.
I know it’s incredibly easy for me to say, but have you ventured into the thought path of bulking up your muscular mass to better emphasise your fat losses? I get that it’d require a slight surplus which is daunting, but it’s hugely rewarding.
@GTIPuG Hmm I no longer really see myself as fat tbh, although I do have fat to lose. Yeah, that path is on the horizon: as I’d mentioned before I’m planning to get to 48kg before a slight bulk. I’m currently very preoccupied with adjusting to and coping with 2nd year of uni (& switching countries), so I don’t have the capacity to focus on a radical change to my current habits or create a new plan that I’d stick to. I like to do things well if I’ve set my mind to it. Nonetheless a good path to start thinking about for when I’m able to. I’ll get more daunted then
@MarkyT I’m honestly so impressed by you guys’ close reading of my posts HAHA I usually just assume no one’s reading the fine print xD but yeah GTIPuG explained it the way I intended
@GTIPuG As a side note, I’m quite impressed and heartened – you seem to be starting to get a better grasp at the thought processes an ED sufferer could have (disclaimer that not everyone experiences it the same way)! It’s honestly so so so difficult for me to be this open about my ED struggles (especially since the behaviours like binging, purging, hoarding, harming are hardly glamorous and often secretive). But when I see things like this, I’m really glad that it’s been able to give you guys an insight to the ED world, and hope it continues to bring awareness to this often overlooked and taboo topic.
@Wendy_Shepherd thank you!! Hmm I hadn’t considered that, but that’s definitely possible! Although the reaching of 52.0kg also coincided with the day I left home for the UK so it could be a combination of the 2.
I think for me it isn’t simply a matter of temptation (that too of course): as I’d mentioned before, once the binge brain comes on, all rationality goes out of the window. I’d literally frantically ran 1.5km and cycled 3km to buy a specific ice cream to binge on. My brain was screaming at me to stop but the ED is a very convincing voice. And sometimes, I binge to purge – the feeling can be exhilarating and almost cleansing; the feel of control and relief. And it’s like what’s the point of binging on fruits and vegetables if I can kill 2 birds with 1 stone and start associating sweets=bad + get rid of sugar cravings?
I’m definitely trying not to buy sweets in general though, but idk, idk if it’ll just trigger the scarcity fear of deprivation in my mind and trigger more b/ps.
Haha yeah not having the urge to purge (say that 3x fast LOL) is probably for the best; at least you won’t mess up your digestion and health and teeth and electrolytes and ughh
I know you’re coming from a place of care so I definitely appreciate it!
@Lighteater Thanks for sharing your experience! Yep, seasonal fluctuations in weight is something to consider! And well done for dropping and maintaining that weight!
@loo89 thank you for your kind words; hope your Huel journey has been going well! yeah, it really is a hit and miss, but it’s a good idea to remind oneself to find other distractions with friends and family or other activities
@Emoskv thank you too for your kind words, it really makes my day to read that I’m at least in part helping someone out there.
Honestly I know it seems like I’ve been able to be consistent in sticking with my goal, but what you don’t see is the 5-6 years before this where I wasn’t able to do this in a healthy way. It’s been a long journey with many failures, so don’t give up! If I’ve been able to get to this point, you definitely will be able to too.
I think a lot of it is about being more aware of and educating yourself about the mechanics underlying fat loss, and reminding yourself that weight fluctuations are just a rough indicator of the fat you’re losing. If you’re in a caloric deficit, there is little to no way you can’t lose fat, despite what the scales may say. Looking at weight averages can also help.
Another tip is not perceiving this as a “dieting method”, but a lifestyle change. Not a crash diet, but incremental small changes. Commit to one habit, then when that has really stuck (like my doing 12-8pm Intermittent Fasting), commit to another habit (like drinking a glass of water before a meal). Little habits, if consistent, really do add up! It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Habits are a lot more useful than motivation because motivation ebbs and flows.
Sorry this has been so wordy; I often don’t take my own advice, but yeah these are just 2 tips that I wish I’d know when first starting to lose weight!
@Watsername thank you!! It really is a struggle but I need to force myself to keep trying.
There’s the handle! It gives you a sense of control, of being able to steer your life in the face of all circumstances. I would think this is an important insight. Have you talked to your psych person about this, and the many implications that follow logically from it?