📓 Daily Journal: Intermittent Fasting (16:8), ED Recovery and Weight Loss


#445

Day 194

Weight: 52.4kg

Food Intake: (6173kcal in)

  • 1/4 Huel & 58g Huel
  • One4Ella burger
  • 2961kcal bp
  • 2586kcal bp

Activity:
*

Other Observations:

  • Uhhhhh I feel like my gag reflex is dying so I will probably be forced to stop or reduce b/p-ing bc those binge calories are staying in me fml
  • Probably a good thing recovery-wise tho.
  • Fck it I failed… I can’t keep doing this I don’t wanna bp anymore :frowning: Tomorrow, no bp. I’m legit sick of this it doesn’t even really hold an allure anymore.

#446

:wave: Got to the end!

Thanks for posting this. Well done on your journey, compare where you are now to where you started from :+1:

On a similar journey myself. Binge but no purge just flounder round like a whale for 3 or 4 hours, or have a sleepless night.

Started Huel in May after someone recommended it in the Monzo forum. Pretty impressed with it so far.

63 years old, 5’ 7”. BMI says overweight. Going to change that!

Just got a delivery of Saturo today (trial pack). Very heavy (9kg) as it’s already made up. Strawberry :strawberry: is ok, original, chocolate :chocolate_bar:, and vanilla still to try.

Thanks again for your posts :slightly_smiling_face:


#447

Day 195

Weight: 52.1kg

Food Intake: (1631kcal+a bit more in, ~2000kcal)

  • Lunch—58g Huel, 150g veggies w sesame sauce, 100g chicken w 12g mustard, 1 banana Soreen
  • 2 Americanos
  • Snacks—1 packet chicken slices + 1 Nutella B-Ready + 1 nectarine
  • Dinner—160g chicken thigh + 155g mixed veggies
  • cs

Activity: (1783kcal out)

  • 8481 steps total
  • x1h Latin dance

Other Observations:

  • Ugh I was all set to go to Latin dance then my bike wouldn’t unlock :< but at least I tried!
  • It feels bad having food in my stomach at the end of the day…really want to bp but trying to force myself to have a day without bp! It will feel GOOD.
  • DIDNT BP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 14 DAYS AWWWWWWYISS!!! Sucks that I’m farking heavy rn (1.1kg more than I was in the morning welp)

#448

Day 196

Weight: 52.8kg :frowning:

Food Intake: (6022kcal in)

  • 1/2 Huel
  • 3176kcal bp
  • 2621kcal Dinner & bp

Activity: (2107kcal out)

  • 10,831 steps total

Other Observations:

  • I gotta start expending more energy lmao

#449

That is superb news Chris. Well done. Now, it’s time get a streak going. Day 2. :muscle:t3:


#450

Day 197

Weight: 52.7kg

Food Intake: (3376kcal in)

  • 1/2 Huel
  • 1 Huel bar
  • 110g beans + 1/2 tin tuna
  • 35g pork crackling
  • 5 butterfingers + 1 rafaello
  • 2417kcal bp

Activity: (1919kcal out)

  • 7008 steps total
  • 1h hip hop

Other Observations:

  • Could barely purge, so I’m gonna gain a lot of weight tmr. This is probably the negative feedback I need to stop viewing purging as an option.
  • I did so well throughout the day tbh and then a switch in me went “fck moderation” and so I did. But faaaark I feel like trash I’m 54.5kg rn HELP
  • Plan:
  1. Weigh myself tmr. Resolve not to weigh self for a while (a week?)
  2. 12-8 IF. CICO. Resist b/p.

#451

Do you not see the other negative feedback (sore throat, sore stomach muscles, dental impact, micronutrient deficiencies) as enough to at least nudge you away from the habit?

It seems like the only feedback you consider is the scale, but maybe if you broaden that to consider the invisible impacts it could sway you a little?


#452

Day 198

Weight: 52.7kg

Food Intake:

  • 1/2 of 112g Huel, Apple Flavdrops taste not very noticeable
  • 1 egg & 4 eggwhites w 8g BBQ sauce
  • 100g beans w sesame sauce
  • 9 butterfingers
  • 4x bp fck me

Activity: (1655kcal out)

Other Observations:

  • Nearly finished with all my non-Huel foods!! CANT WAIT TO BREAK LIFE DOWN INTO SIMPLE HUEL vs NON-HUEL MEALS with clear intentions!
  • Clearly even my fear of gaining weight and my gradually declining ability to purge hasn’t stopped me from spending my life in the toilet trying to ;-;
  • On the upside I’ve had several small wins: trying to minimise the binges (915kcal first binge!), spending less on it, and stopping.

@GTIPuG the thing with those negative feedback is that it’s not instantaneous and haven’t really affected me yet. so while I know it’ll happen if I don’t stop, that theoretical knowledge isn’t as strong enough as my 7 year fear of gaining weight to inhibit action and urges.
As my psych reminded me: “ED keeps you in the here and now. It doesn’t care about your future.”


#453

Yikes. :frowning: Completely understand. That sucks. :frowning:


#454

Imagine you had a bad day. Your Friend sees this and brings you for a fun night out. What a great, caring friend! A Friend in times of need, in times of comfort; distracts you from your problems.
You enjoyed it that once…
But he doesn’t go away
You didn’t notice it at first, but slowly
He keeps tempting you to go out.
Have fun, forget about your problems!
“I have work to do”, you say.
“I need to focus on other things; other people!”
He doesn’t care.

You know it’s not good for you in the long run
Your health, your wallet, your life and routine

And so you say no to that Friend. Enough is enough, I’ve got to put myself first and not you. You obviously don’t want the best for me. You just care about yourself. Stop tempting me with temporary mindless bliss.
He starts to blackmail you emotionally—
“You’re a terrible person
No one will care for you like I do
You deserve to be hurt”

And so you crawl back
Fighting the demons in your head
One voice too keen on harming you…the voice that promises comfort
The other desperate to break away

And so you crawl back
To the only thing you know
Safe in the comfort of the cold, porcelain bowl
Tears streaming down your face
But at least, in your “safe” place

—the abusive relationship—

not much of a writer ngl and it’s 3am but I’ve had an absolute shit of an ED day and I guess that’s how I’m conceptualising the whole why-am-I-doing-things-I-clearly-know-aren’t-good-for-me? maybe illustrating how much it’s akin to an abusive relationship helps one to better understand how hard it is to break out of :confused:

Alternatively: A Friend whose solution to everything in life is “let’s get wasted!”
And pops up in your life at least 3x everyday.
Fending off that bugger is exhAusting.

————— Sorry I know this is so irrelevant to Huel hahaha but I guess it’ll be moderated if it gets too ED/inappropriate?? Fine with anything tbh —————


#455

Day 199

Weight: 52.7kg i have another shot and doing this right

Food Intake: (1828kcal in)

  • 1/2 Huel, 8 slices chicken, 6g brownie

Activity: (1816kcal out)

  • ballroom, rock & roll

Other Observations:

  • It sucks that I have a date tonight that I’ve been looking forward to since last week but now I’m just wallowing in my own inabilities and just feel like utter trash. I really want to enjoy this date, and be able to cook & eat together in moderation without panicking.

#456

Babe you’re not a terrible person… You are scared by how awesome you could be, cos you know you could do big things, you have a massive brain & tons of spirit (exhibit A: this thread!) but going out there & succeeding is scary cos to do that you have to risk failure & ahhh fuck no let’s go eat tons of shit & puke it up, I’m good at that & while I’m doing that all this other scary shit goes away! Poof! Magic!

Believe me I know this so well from inside my own head… & also believe me that there’s so much good inside you, waiting to come out, please lift your head out of the toilet bowl & look the world in the eye & say, I’m coming to get you mfker! You are brave, we all know this, get out of your ED comfort zone & let yourself grow. There’s happiness waiting for you that you couldn’t even possibly imagine, believe me. I know this from inside my own head too… & I’m not 100% recovered, I still binge, I still consider purging, I’m not perfect, nobody is & no one is expecting you to be either. You are young & beautiful now, too good to be caught up in all this shit… & that’s what ED is, its shit in your head that doesn’t need to be there & you don’t need to be afraid to let it go. It is not a monster controlling you even tho it feels that way… You are in control.

Apologies to anyone offended by the profanity in this post but this is a real life thread & needs some real talk :+1: much love & respect to you for sharing here as always Chris :purple_heart::kissing_heart: xxx


#457

Day 200

Weight: 52.7kg

Food Intake: (2945kcal in)

  • 1/2 of (112g Huel, MochaFS)
  • 1 cheese biscuit
  • kinda-binge-ish: an entire tub of ube ice cream + yam pastries + 1 apple cake + 1 choc cupcake
  • 50g beef jerky + 17.5g pork cracklings
  • 1 packet miracles noodles + 50g bolognaise sauce + nooch + 100g green beans

Activity: (2217kcal out)

  • 13,177 steps total
  • 1h gym

Other Observations:

  • I’m going to start counting my tiny recovery wins bc I’ve got to start somewhere!
  1. Drank Huel
  2. IF’d 1-8.30pm
  3. Drank water before eating
  4. Didn’t buy food with the intention of binging on it
  5. After eating ~1200kcal for lunch, instead of going out to buy binge food bc ‘screw it’, I looked for ways to eat a lower-calorie dinner
  6. Took a nap after eating because I was just really tired
  7. Got out!: Went to church, went to the gym
  8. Didn’t try to purge until I couldn’t even though I could probably purge more; only bc I ate like 1200kcal worth of ice cream after dinner which was a bit tragic hehh
  9. WENT TO THE GYM!! bc losing weight isn’t all that matters: I don’t want to lose strength, and I want to maintain muscle :slight_smile:
  • Recovery wins from yesterday: I woke up, felt like trash, didn’t want to go out. Skipped a lecture. Set myself up for a fail of a day. Ate a shit ton of food (1239kcal) for lunch. Purged some. Was going to skip ballroom dancing that I was planning to go to. BUT
  1. Went to ballroom dance (thank God for getting a friend to text me to push me to go)
  2. Went to acrobatic dance after (excitement for NEW EXPERIENCES!)
  3. Made it to my date…and it was the best thing ever. :’)
  4. Cooked food without panicking, was able to eat everything.
  5. He was going to use an oil spray for cooking the salmon but decided on a massive pat of butter…I said not too much butter bc watching my weight, and when he asked if that amount was okay, I was (kind of) fine with it and was like “sure!” Okay I’m lowkey uncomfortable with it because I find butter/oil to oil a pan a waste of calories AND it being unweighed is somewhat terrifying…but this is recovery and this is going to help me manage life better.
  • I think I’ve realised that I thought that having guidelines for myself that I stuck to was going back to basics, but really…going back to recovery basics and noting my small recovery wins is.

On a very random note, I don’t really believe in this (like horoscopes) but the boy had a pack of “fortune telling” cards and I was like ahh heck why not this would be amusing. I asked “will my next week be difficult?” and here was the excerpt on the card that was drawn:

"Temperance; Healing, Renewal"
The great blue heron remains calm and peaceful as she blends the opposing elements of fire and water. The Temperance card asks you to be a moderator much like the heron. Focus on cooperation and compromise.
If you’ve been excessive in one aspect of your life, practise self-restraint and moderation now. You’ll find a new sense of healing and balance from bringing a little harmony back into your life.

Is it just me or WTF how?!


#458

So much YES to pretty much all of this… Especially the getting a friend to text you to get you to go to ballroom! Keep doing this! And great news about the date too :clap::+1::wink:


#459

Day 201

Weight: 53.2kg ehhhh well maybe i shouldn’t eat 1500kcal worth of ice cream. Also food weight & BM & workout, CONSISTENCY WILL BRING IT DOWN

Food Intake: (4799kcal in)

  • 1/2 Huel, MochaFS
  • 17.5g pork cracklings
  • 60g huel granola
  • 25g jerky
  • 2 plums
  • 6 butterfingers + 1 Ben’s Cookie
  • 1614kcal bp
  • 1750kcal bp

Activity: (1666kcal out)

  • 5119 steps total

Other Observations:

  • I’m aching everywhere lel
  • My throat hurts!! Forgot to eat antacids after purging oOps I’m underestimating the power of those stomach acids :open_mouth:
  • The Good:
  1. Prepared for the day; packed my snacks and all
  2. Huel’d & Huel granola & prepared another Huel
  3. 12nn
  4. Kept trying to look for Huel/protein/fruit options
  5. Somewhat tried to find a lower cal option for dinner even with the unplanned cookie my Friend got me
  6. Tried to schedule things so I wouldn’t be able to bp
  • The Bad:
  1. Skipped ballroom
  2. All or nothing: was triggered after my Friend gave me a yummy Ben’s cookie…and probably also having gained weight today
  3. Couldn’t stop eating every time I started :frowning:
  • Pretty “successful” purges today which is BAD so I’m gonna keep reminding myself I don’t want the bp life no matter how tempting it is. I ain’t losing weight, I’m skipping activities I love and friends, I’m also getting flabby and behind on my work. Having great ED days the last 2 days showed me how much more I want that life instead of today’s…
  • On the upside, I’m starting to get rid of a lot of my food stash! I still have a bunch I may remove during bps since they’re not really worth it (like oats and risotto) but yeh soon my stock is primarily gonna consist of
  1. Huel: Huel powder, granola, bars
  2. Protein snacks: Chicken slices, Halo Top, Protein bars
  3. Other snacks for peckishness: popcorn, carrot sticks (fruit just isn’t part of my routine here), seaweed
  4. Sweets: Butterfingers, maybe FibreOne brownies
  5. Frozen stuff: Broccoli, Onion, Salmon, Beans in case I want that sometime

#460

Day 202

Weight: 52.8kg

Food Intake: (3108kcal in)

  • Lunch —112g Huel + 150g packet chicken slices
  • Snacks—
  • Dinner—
  • 1923kcal bp

Activity: (1827kcal out)

  • 7301 steps total
  • 35min Latin dance

Other Observations:

  • The Good:
  1. 12nn
  2. Full Huel lunch!
  3. Kept looking for alternatives when I wanted a particular food + reminded myself I could have it in moderation
  4. Been in touch with my reflexivity, illuminating the new struggle of feeling full despite it being from nutritious sources
  5. Went for dance class!
  6. Didn’t buy SO MUCH binge food which I could’ve and was tempted to. Yeah now if I want it I gotta go and specifically buy it, I ain’t keeping it around my house
  • 3.55pm: Today’s been objectively great food-wise. Had Huel, chicken slices, Huel granola, 2 bites of a friend’s carrot cake. Everything going according to plan. I’ve had urges (toastie, banoffee pie, m&s/Sains) but haven’t acted upon them. I’ve been doing work. BUT one thing I realised is IM SO FULL I forgot how full I got with Huel. So the thing Huel doesn’t give me is my craving of feeling empty because my ED brain equates feeling full = fat = gaining weight. So my realisation? I’m not ready to “just pay attention to my body’s cues and fullness” because ED warps my perception of it and causes destructive behaviour. Right now I’m craving a binge to purge to feel empty. This is so hard.
  • I just really want to feel empty help I feel so full with Huel and I’ve started to associate full with bad again :(( AHHHHHHHH
  • Self-Sabotage: I’ve started to do this—I couldn’t bear the thought of gaining weight tmr after a perfect day…because I’m scared that this “last plan” wouldn’t work and then I’m doomed. I know it makes no sense but I’ll think through it and word it better tomorrow.

#461

Woohoo yes yes yes! This is progress, keep going! :clap::muscle::kissing_heart:


#462

And perhaps you can try to get your brain on board with feeling that if you are full from huel this is good cos u don’t want to binge then & you really don’t want to purge all that good stuff in huel either. Your teeth & throat will thank you too! (Acid damage)… Sending love for you to stay strong… Think about your blue heron card. I fully believe in all that stuff :blue_heart::rainbow:


#463

Just seen you’ve updated your post :face_with_monocle: & a binge/purge happened this eve.

So what will it take for you to feel ready to do this? Your body sure as hell doesn’t want you to eat then throw it up, your disordered thoughts do… & the cruel thing about ED is you think the numbers on the scale will make you happy one day & they never will. You need to switch your focus. I know that’s really hard cos this stuff is your life, it’s your safe place as you have so honestly confessed. But you need to give the control to the smart part of yourself, which observes all this destructive behaviour & thinks, Oh man this is screwed up! My ED is really active at the moment! Cos you’re not out of touch with reality, you can see clearly what you are doing & why… What you need now is to learn how to stop.

I read a very helpful book once, called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He says that we have 2 different minds or forms of consciousness at work within our selves: one is monkey mind, the one that chatters away constantly within our heads & if you have an ED or any kind of mental health issue, then this monkey can be pretty malignant. Your inner voice talks a load of shit, to put it bluntly. And it’s always projecting into the future & worrying about what might go wrong, or the things that we want that we might not get or that we’ll fail at. It refers back to the past in unhelpful ways, reminding us of past failures & hurts & projects them into the future too. Your monkey mind criticises & judges, & is reactive rather than reflective. In ED, it finds reasons for you to binge & vomit, & live your life ruled by your scales despite there being so much more to life than this. Your monkey mind doesn’t care, it just wants something, anything, to think & worry about.

The other form of consciousness we possess though, is what Tolle calls ‘witness consciousness’. It’s the part of our mind/self that listens to what the monkey mind, what your inner talk is saying. It’s the space we think our thoughts into… But as our decisions come from this place, in a way it is like the void that answers. It is where you hear yourself & reflect. Most people don’t even realise this part of themselves exist, because identification with the inner voice of the monkey mind is so strong. You think that’s what you are. A bunch of racing, disordered thoughts, & as humans we indulge in all manner of destructive behaviors (ED, addictions) to try & escape from ourselves & the pain & projections that are constantly whirring round inside our heads.

The Power of Now teaches that you are not your monkey mind, you are truly your witness consciousness & the more you can identify & switch your focus to the quiet part of your mind that listens to your thoughts & decides what you are going to do NOW, this moment, then the more present & aware you become. It teaches that when your thoughts are distressing & you are full of negative emotions, you should allow yourself to feel them & focus completely on the feeling you are having right now this moment, not run away with a tangent of thoughts based on it, but just stay still in your mind & feel the feeling. Observe it, but don’t make a judgement. Just let it be. By doing this, you give yourself mental space & opportunity to breathe before you act based upon the chatter in your head.

You need to sit with your pain & ask yourself why it is there, what is at the root of feeling so fearful of numbers on a scale, feeling they could ruin an otherwise perfect day, why they are pushing you into this disordered life that you do not want. Your life & existence is so much more valuable than to be eaten up by such a triviality as how much you weigh & what you look like. Identify more with the part of yourself that doesn’t want all this Ed bullshit & that wants to get on with your work, life, dates, hopes, dreams… The things that make you YOU (& there is only 1 in this entire universe, remember that! Live this life good!)… Identify with that part of yourself. Live for it. Not for the numbers on the scale, or the lying thoughts that tell you feeling full from nutritious food is bad & that you need to binge & vomit to feel better. You are better than that madness, and you know it.

On a practical note, have you thought about having a smaller huel, less scoops, or consuming it over a longer period of time? I know the latter might not always be practical depending on your schedule, but I can feel uncomfortably full (physically) if I drink my huel too fast, so I much prefer to have it spaced out over an hour or so, or like half in the morn & half in the afternoon. Just a thought!

I hope tomorrow you can enjoy the present more & not try to escape it thru the b/P cycle. Sending love as always :kissing_heart:


#464

Day 203

Weight: 53.1kg

Food Intake: (1523kcal in)

  • 112g NewHuel, berry flavdrops + 2 plums
  • 1 Huel Bar I’m out of Huel bars!! Time to make my next order hehe
  • 1 packet chicken slices
  • csChoc roll cake, risotto
  • 56g NewHuel, toffee Flavdrops
  • 30g Huel granola

Activity: (2100kcal out)

  • 1 Rock&Roll Dance class
  • 1 hip hop dance class
  • 12,000 steps total

Other Observations:

  • B/p = Weight gain, B/p = Not reaching my goals = going against my identity
  • It’s high time I started internalizing that. Since I’ve been back, my weekly weight has been 53.1–>52.8–>52.4–>52.6–>52.3–>52.5–>52.5–>53.0. While I’m thankful that I haven’t gained exponentially, it’s been 8 weeks and I haven’t lost a thing PLUS I’m losing muscle mass and gaining fat. So it’s even more detrimental :confused:
  • Therefore, I’ll focus on not b/p-ing, and try not to for at least 2 days (my gag reflex isn’t gr8 now anyways). As @VenusFly says ((thank you by the way, it really helps me to frame it in a useful manner. and lol I’m supposed to be the psych student…:joy:)), I can start being more in touch with my non-ED witness self. I CAN DO THIS!!!
  • It’s kinda cool basically not having much food home sans Huel; I do like living more intentionally and I know it’s a process but I’m getting there :slight_smile:
  • Starting to experience the satiating & stabilising effects of Huel again :slight_smile:
  • Perfect day today! No b/p and not that many urges. Has been a looooong and productive day. Nonetheless, won’t put too much pressure on myself to replicate this perfect day; will just continue to keep trying.

Days B/P Free: 1 Day