Day 194
Weight: 52.4kg
Food Intake: (6173kcal in)
Activity:
*
Other Observations:
Tomorrow, no bp. Iām legit sick of this it doesnāt even really hold an allure anymore.
Got to the end!
Thanks for posting this. Well done on your journey, compare where you are now to where you started from 
On a similar journey myself. Binge but no purge just flounder round like a whale for 3 or 4 hours, or have a sleepless night.
Started Huel in May after someone recommended it in the Monzo forum. Pretty impressed with it so far.
63 years old, 5ā 7ā. BMI says overweight. Going to change that!
Just got a delivery of Saturo today (trial pack). Very heavy (9kg) as itās already made up. Strawberry 
is ok, original, chocolate 
, and vanilla still to try.
Thanks again for your posts 
Day 195
Weight: 52.1kg
Food Intake: (1631kcal+a bit more in, ~2000kcal)
Activity: (1783kcal out)
Other Observations:
Day 196
Weight: 52.8kg
Food Intake: (6022kcal in)
Activity: (2107kcal out)
Other Observations:
That is superb news Chris. Well done. Now, itās time get a streak going. Day 2. 
Day 197
Weight: 52.7kg
Food Intake: (3376kcal in)
Activity: (1919kcal out)
Other Observations:
Do you not see the other negative feedback (sore throat, sore stomach muscles, dental impact, micronutrient deficiencies) as enough to at least nudge you away from the habit?
It seems like the only feedback you consider is the scale, but maybe if you broaden that to consider the invisible impacts it could sway you a little?
Day 198
Weight: 52.7kg
Food Intake:
Activity: (1655kcal out)
Other Observations:
@GTIPuG the thing with those negative feedback is that itās not instantaneous and havenāt really affected me yet. so while I know itāll happen if I donāt stop, that theoretical knowledge isnāt as strong enough as my 7 year fear of gaining weight to inhibit action and urges.
As my psych reminded me: āED keeps you in the here and now. It doesnāt care about your future.ā
Yikes. Completely understand. That sucks.
Imagine you had a bad day. Your Friend sees this and brings you for a fun night out. What a great, caring friend! A Friend in times of need, in times of comfort; distracts you from your problems.
You enjoyed it that onceā¦
But he doesnāt go away
You didnāt notice it at first, but slowly
He keeps tempting you to go out.
Have fun, forget about your problems!
āI have work to doā, you say.
āI need to focus on other things; other people!ā
He doesnāt care.
You know itās not good for you in the long run
Your health, your wallet, your life and routine
And so you say no to that Friend. Enough is enough, Iāve got to put myself first and not you. You obviously donāt want the best for me. You just care about yourself. Stop tempting me with temporary mindless bliss.
He starts to blackmail you emotionallyā
āYouāre a terrible person
No one will care for you like I do
You deserve to be hurtā
And so you crawl back
Fighting the demons in your head
One voice too keen on harming youā¦the voice that promises comfort
The other desperate to break away
And so you crawl back
To the only thing you know
Safe in the comfort of the cold, porcelain bowl
Tears streaming down your face
But at least, in your āsafeā place
āthe abusive relationshipā
not much of a writer ngl and itās 3am but Iāve had an absolute shit of an ED day and I guess thatās how Iām conceptualising the whole why-am-I-doing-things-I-clearly-know-arenāt-good-for-me? maybe illustrating how much itās akin to an abusive relationship helps one to better understand how hard it is to break out of 
Alternatively: A Friend whose solution to everything in life is āletās get wasted!ā
And pops up in your life at least 3x everyday.
Fending off that bugger is exhAusting.
āāāāā Sorry I know this is so irrelevant to Huel hahaha but I guess itāll be moderated if it gets too ED/inappropriate?? Fine with anything tbh āāāāā
Day 199
Weight: 52.7kg i have another shot and doing this right
Food Intake: (1828kcal in)
Activity: (1816kcal out)
Other Observations:
Babe youāre not a terrible personā¦ You are scared by how awesome you could be, cos you know you could do big things, you have a massive brain & tons of spirit (exhibit A: this thread!) but going out there & succeeding is scary cos to do that you have to risk failure & ahhh fuck no letās go eat tons of shit & puke it up, Iām good at that & while Iām doing that all this other scary shit goes away! Poof! Magic!
Believe me I know this so well from inside my own headā¦ & also believe me that thereās so much good inside you, waiting to come out, please lift your head out of the toilet bowl & look the world in the eye & say, Iām coming to get you mfker! You are brave, we all know this, get out of your ED comfort zone & let yourself grow. Thereās happiness waiting for you that you couldnāt even possibly imagine, believe me. I know this from inside my own head tooā¦ & Iām not 100% recovered, I still binge, I still consider purging, Iām not perfect, nobody is & no one is expecting you to be either. You are young & beautiful now, too good to be caught up in all this shitā¦ & thatās what ED is, its shit in your head that doesnāt need to be there & you donāt need to be afraid to let it go. It is not a monster controlling you even tho it feels that wayā¦ You are in control.
Apologies to anyone offended by the profanity in this post but this is a real life thread & needs some real talk 
much love & respect to you for sharing here as always Chris 
xxx
Day 200
Weight: 52.7kg
Food Intake: (2945kcal in)
Activity: (2217kcal out)
Other Observations:
On a very random note, I donāt really believe in this (like horoscopes) but the boy had a pack of āfortune tellingā cards and I was like ahh heck why not this would be amusing. I asked āwill my next week be difficult?ā and here was the excerpt on the card that was drawn:
āTemperance; Healing, Renewalā
The great blue heron remains calm and peaceful as she blends the opposing elements of fire and water. The Temperance card asks you to be a moderator much like the heron. Focus on cooperation and compromise.
If youāve been excessive in one aspect of your life, practise self-restraint and moderation now. Youāll find a new sense of healing and balance from bringing a little harmony back into your life.
Is it just me or WTF how?!
So much YES to pretty much all of thisā¦ Especially the getting a friend to text you to get you to go to ballroom! Keep doing this! And great news about the date too 
Day 201
Weight: 53.2kg ehhhh well maybe i shouldnāt eat 1500kcal worth of ice cream. Also food weight & BM & workout, CONSISTENCY WILL BRING IT DOWN
Food Intake: (4799kcal in)
Activity: (1666kcal out)
Other Observations:
Day 202
Weight: 52.8kg
Food Intake: (3108kcal in)
Activity: (1827kcal out)
Other Observations:
Woohoo yes yes yes! This is progress, keep going! 
And perhaps you can try to get your brain on board with feeling that if you are full from huel this is good cos u donāt want to binge then & you really donāt want to purge all that good stuff in huel either. Your teeth & throat will thank you too! (Acid damage)ā¦ Sending love for you to stay strongā¦ Think about your blue heron card. I fully believe in all that stuff 
Just seen youāve updated your post 
& a binge/purge happened this eve.
So what will it take for you to feel ready to do this? Your body sure as hell doesnāt want you to eat then throw it up, your disordered thoughts doā¦ & the cruel thing about ED is you think the numbers on the scale will make you happy one day & they never will. You need to switch your focus. I know thatās really hard cos this stuff is your life, itās your safe place as you have so honestly confessed. But you need to give the control to the smart part of yourself, which observes all this destructive behaviour & thinks, Oh man this is screwed up! My ED is really active at the moment! Cos youāre not out of touch with reality, you can see clearly what you are doing & whyā¦ What you need now is to learn how to stop.
I read a very helpful book once, called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He says that we have 2 different minds or forms of consciousness at work within our selves: one is monkey mind, the one that chatters away constantly within our heads & if you have an ED or any kind of mental health issue, then this monkey can be pretty malignant. Your inner voice talks a load of shit, to put it bluntly. And itās always projecting into the future & worrying about what might go wrong, or the things that we want that we might not get or that weāll fail at. It refers back to the past in unhelpful ways, reminding us of past failures & hurts & projects them into the future too. Your monkey mind criticises & judges, & is reactive rather than reflective. In ED, it finds reasons for you to binge & vomit, & live your life ruled by your scales despite there being so much more to life than this. Your monkey mind doesnāt care, it just wants something, anything, to think & worry about.
The other form of consciousness we possess though, is what Tolle calls āwitness consciousnessā. Itās the part of our mind/self that listens to what the monkey mind, what your inner talk is saying. Itās the space we think our thoughts intoā¦ But as our decisions come from this place, in a way it is like the void that answers. It is where you hear yourself & reflect. Most people donāt even realise this part of themselves exist, because identification with the inner voice of the monkey mind is so strong. You think thatās what you are. A bunch of racing, disordered thoughts, & as humans we indulge in all manner of destructive behaviors (ED, addictions) to try & escape from ourselves & the pain & projections that are constantly whirring round inside our heads.
The Power of Now teaches that you are not your monkey mind, you are truly your witness consciousness & the more you can identify & switch your focus to the quiet part of your mind that listens to your thoughts & decides what you are going to do NOW, this moment, then the more present & aware you become. It teaches that when your thoughts are distressing & you are full of negative emotions, you should allow yourself to feel them & focus completely on the feeling you are having right now this moment, not run away with a tangent of thoughts based on it, but just stay still in your mind & feel the feeling. Observe it, but donāt make a judgement. Just let it be. By doing this, you give yourself mental space & opportunity to breathe before you act based upon the chatter in your head.
You need to sit with your pain & ask yourself why it is there, what is at the root of feeling so fearful of numbers on a scale, feeling they could ruin an otherwise perfect day, why they are pushing you into this disordered life that you do not want. Your life & existence is so much more valuable than to be eaten up by such a triviality as how much you weigh & what you look like. Identify more with the part of yourself that doesnāt want all this Ed bullshit & that wants to get on with your work, life, dates, hopes, dreamsā¦ The things that make you YOU (& there is only 1 in this entire universe, remember that! Live this life good!)ā¦ Identify with that part of yourself. Live for it. Not for the numbers on the scale, or the lying thoughts that tell you feeling full from nutritious food is bad & that you need to binge & vomit to feel better. You are better than that madness, and you know it.
On a practical note, have you thought about having a smaller huel, less scoops, or consuming it over a longer period of time? I know the latter might not always be practical depending on your schedule, but I can feel uncomfortably full (physically) if I drink my huel too fast, so I much prefer to have it spaced out over an hour or so, or like half in the morn & half in the afternoon. Just a thought!
I hope tomorrow you can enjoy the present more & not try to escape it thru the b/P cycle. Sending love as always
Day 203
Weight: 53.1kg
Food Intake: (1523kcal in)
Activity: (2100kcal out)
Other Observations:
)), I can start being more in touch with my non-ED witness self. I CAN DO THIS!!!Days B/P Free: 1 Day