Just seen you’ve updated your post & a binge/purge happened this eve.
So what will it take for you to feel ready to do this? Your body sure as hell doesn’t want you to eat then throw it up, your disordered thoughts do… & the cruel thing about ED is you think the numbers on the scale will make you happy one day & they never will. You need to switch your focus. I know that’s really hard cos this stuff is your life, it’s your safe place as you have so honestly confessed. But you need to give the control to the smart part of yourself, which observes all this destructive behaviour & thinks, Oh man this is screwed up! My ED is really active at the moment! Cos you’re not out of touch with reality, you can see clearly what you are doing & why… What you need now is to learn how to stop.
I read a very helpful book once, called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He says that we have 2 different minds or forms of consciousness at work within our selves: one is monkey mind, the one that chatters away constantly within our heads & if you have an ED or any kind of mental health issue, then this monkey can be pretty malignant. Your inner voice talks a load of shit, to put it bluntly. And it’s always projecting into the future & worrying about what might go wrong, or the things that we want that we might not get or that we’ll fail at. It refers back to the past in unhelpful ways, reminding us of past failures & hurts & projects them into the future too. Your monkey mind criticises & judges, & is reactive rather than reflective. In ED, it finds reasons for you to binge & vomit, & live your life ruled by your scales despite there being so much more to life than this. Your monkey mind doesn’t care, it just wants something, anything, to think & worry about.
The other form of consciousness we possess though, is what Tolle calls ‘witness consciousness’. It’s the part of our mind/self that listens to what the monkey mind, what your inner talk is saying. It’s the space we think our thoughts into… But as our decisions come from this place, in a way it is like the void that answers. It is where you hear yourself & reflect. Most people don’t even realise this part of themselves exist, because identification with the inner voice of the monkey mind is so strong. You think that’s what you are. A bunch of racing, disordered thoughts, & as humans we indulge in all manner of destructive behaviors (ED, addictions) to try & escape from ourselves & the pain & projections that are constantly whirring round inside our heads.
The Power of Now teaches that you are not your monkey mind, you are truly your witness consciousness & the more you can identify & switch your focus to the quiet part of your mind that listens to your thoughts & decides what you are going to do NOW, this moment, then the more present & aware you become. It teaches that when your thoughts are distressing & you are full of negative emotions, you should allow yourself to feel them & focus completely on the feeling you are having right now this moment, not run away with a tangent of thoughts based on it, but just stay still in your mind & feel the feeling. Observe it, but don’t make a judgement. Just let it be. By doing this, you give yourself mental space & opportunity to breathe before you act based upon the chatter in your head.
You need to sit with your pain & ask yourself why it is there, what is at the root of feeling so fearful of numbers on a scale, feeling they could ruin an otherwise perfect day, why they are pushing you into this disordered life that you do not want. Your life & existence is so much more valuable than to be eaten up by such a triviality as how much you weigh & what you look like. Identify more with the part of yourself that doesn’t want all this Ed bullshit & that wants to get on with your work, life, dates, hopes, dreams… The things that make you YOU (& there is only 1 in this entire universe, remember that! Live this life good!)… Identify with that part of yourself. Live for it. Not for the numbers on the scale, or the lying thoughts that tell you feeling full from nutritious food is bad & that you need to binge & vomit to feel better. You are better than that madness, and you know it.
On a practical note, have you thought about having a smaller huel, less scoops, or consuming it over a longer period of time? I know the latter might not always be practical depending on your schedule, but I can feel uncomfortably full (physically) if I drink my huel too fast, so I much prefer to have it spaced out over an hour or so, or like half in the morn & half in the afternoon. Just a thought!
I hope tomorrow you can enjoy the present more & not try to escape it thru the b/P cycle. Sending love as always