I know you weren’t talking to me but I have to say I disagree with the above. I’m sure such advice would be good for many people here including myself & I don’t think there are many cases where someone could reasonably consider that advice as offensive in any way so I wouldn’t even consider it presumptuous. I’m only sticking my nose in as I’d be very surprised if Chris took it offensively. I am of course speaking as a fully qualified emotionally unstable person.
Hmm depends how many beverages have been consumed I guess. On a heavy night if put back a pint of water before bed I’m typically looking at negligible difference. If I forget to have water before bed and therefore end up dehydrated (hung over) I’m looking at around 1kg drop which I guess corresponds to 1 litre of water.
Quite a lot if you think how much a litre of water is.
Weight: Definitely couldn’t have eaten enough to gain 0.5kg of fat, and burnt a hell lot more than I usually do. Ngl it IS a bummer because I’ve never really hit 57 before…and was hoping that after a BM it, by some miracle, could drop to 56+ Regardless, it’s still 0.2kg down from 2 days ago! I’ll try to maintain it at 57.5 for now, learn to walk before I can run. Also my period is technically supposed to come so I’m surprised I haven’t bloated up with water retention. Or maybe I’ll lose even more weight after period??
Now that I HAVE hit 57 before, I know I can do it again, slowly and sustainably
Going out twice to eat Chinese today. Everyone’s leaving so it’s kind of necessary to do all these parties and meals and stuff. It’s also PseudoBF’s birthday. I was wondering why he seldom asked me out to eat and turns out it’s because he thought I didn’t want to eat unhealthy at all or non-Huel foods, which was kinda true but now I’m incorporating flexibility!!! Going out to eat isn’t BAD, I can still make healthy choices and practise portion control!
So…I fcked up. It was too much for me to handle mentally. First off, slept for barely 2h because ??? Had Chinese food for lunch, didn’t really get to pick my dishes, it was too oily, I overate, so I purged. And then my Friend finished his exam and I sprayed him with Prosecco, and then he invited me to a garden party with free food which I ate way too much of. So I binged because I was freaking out and there was too much I couldn’t control. Then since it’s PseudoBF’s bday I couldn’t bail. So we had dumplings. And when he tried to hug me I couldn’t stand feeling this obese and full and fat so I went back home and purged again. I’m also kind of a failure because I can barely purge properly. I overate by probably 400-500kcal. Kill me
Learning from it:
Having a whole day out? Not something I can really handle easily yet. I need days where I go back to my stability and healthy routine.
SLEEP. VERY IMPORTANT.
I binge when I feel out of control to self sabotage.
I purge to feel more in control. To get rid of the feeling of being stuffed because it makes me want to tear out of my body. To hopefully get rid of at least SOME calories because I’m trying to eat a deficit here…
Free food and buffets…fark it’s such a trigger. The whole needing to get the most bang for my buck…not good when you’re trying to lose weight. PLUS I’m a huge foodie so I really wanna try and enjoy new food! BUT I have to bear in mind that the next week will be filled with 3 garden parties and 2 balls…so I really have to be able to handle them SOMEHOW.
Acknowledging Efforts: I tried to order a balanced meal and not eat tooo much. I tried to move as much as possible, cycling and 15000 steps and some frisbee. I tried to eat protein whenever I could.
Why do you care so much about the number out of interest?
Like, I guess what I don’t get is, what in your life will improve by seeing that number 57 appear on the scale?
When I’m cutting I don’t particularly care what the scale is saying, as long as it’s going down. The aim for me is to get those abs visible and improve vascularity, they’re the measures of success I use. While I set a target weight, it’s only because I know that’s the weight at which my abs will be visible and my delts chiseled.
@GTIPuG hmm thanks for the question, it really made me think. After reflecting, I think it’s due to several reasons
Remnants of ED obsession with the scale that I’m working on but sometimes don’t realise
I don’t want to succumb to kidding myself with “the number isn’t going down it could be muscle”
It’s difficult because I don’t see changes in my body from day to day and sometimes it seems even bigger, so the scale seems like a more objective way of data tracking despite its fluctuations
For the number 57 itself, it isn’t so much the number but the excitement/hope that I’m finally doing this right…despite my efforts before it’s always stayed around 58.5-61 so 57 is like unchartered territory and I’m a bit desperate/impatient to prove to myself I can finally do it right
Because my weight was overweight (I think now on the borderline of average?) and I wanna get it down
Weight-wise, say 52 or 53kg… I’d like to set a goal because I “know what my vascularity looks like” at the target weight, but I have no idea haha. I just wanna be smaller and less flabby and fit into clothes better etc, which seems to happen at lower weights
Ahh okay, that’s really interesting to read back through. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Figured you might be due a ‘kick’ to kind of snap you out of it and remember how far you’ve come and how far you’ve still got to go. You’re kicking ass so no need to get so stressed on the day to day variations. Perhaps as you start creeping down further start weighing less frequently and look at wider averages?
The way I see it now is that I’ve achieved my short term goal of escaping obesity, now I can just relax and enjoy my new lifestyle. I know I’m training regularly, I know I’ve learnt to control my eating, so why not just sit back and relax and give it a year? That’s the kind of state of mind I’ve developed after going through kind of the same thing as you (Eating disorder, but more HUGE binges and lack of control than purging).
Weight: 57.4kg (hit 57.7kg twice) its nice that I don’t think I gained (much), because I was terrified after the binges yesterday…although again I know I would have been like 58.5kg today if I hadn’t purged at all
Food Intake: (1595kcal)
100g Huel, 3g ChocFS mentally I don’t know why I don’t consider 100g Huel a “complete” meal?? I’ve grown so accustomed to 112g.
Sweets—3 kinder bueno minis, cs2 raisin rolls, 2 fibre one bars
Purging—it used to be binging and purging, but now it’s more overeating then purging a little bit just to not feel so stuffed and wanting to kill myself. Not good and still disordered, I know (and sorry if it’s too tmi for all you guys without EDs out there haha but this thread is just for brutal honesty), but at least I’m not binging with the thought of purging or compensation in mind. Because purging is farking painful and takes so much effort for little reward man.
ED: Another ED thing—I was clearing out my room for the end of term…and realised how much junk food I’ve hoarded. Hoarded and haven’t really touched, I have things in there that were expired in March 2017. And I googled it and realised that that’s actually quite common amongst ED sufferers: hoarding a secret stash of food. I also have a couple at home which has proved to be a source of conflict back home with my family when things go bad and are wasted. Hmmm…
Thanks man, I really appreciate your looking out for me, and it’s definitely sometimes necessary
And yeh, good advice for me to consider long term so I mightn’t be trapped by the number when I’ve got this weight loss thing going!
A little off topic yes, but no worries no offence taken! But no really though I was asking for more elaboration on the meditation thing; who knows it could help! Always hear people speak of meditation but never know how to go about doing it. Mental tools are always great
I know better than to celebrate yet though HAHA since it’ll probably fluctuate a bit before going back down to the 56s. But hey at least I know I’m on the right track! Consistent calorie deficits, and surpluses that aren’t huge enough to not be covered by other days (yes, that means even if I overshoot it is not license to binge bc binges are a lot more irreparable and takes more time for damage control)
The Fitbit seems to be having a lot more use for me than I realised it would!
OMG. GAIZ. I just realised I’ve hit one goal: I’m no longer overweight!!! At 56.8kg, my BMI would be 24.26 (upper boundary is 24.9), down from 26.23 at 61.4kg!
I’ve been eating the upper end of 1500+kcal, which isn’t too bad considering I’ve been getting a lot more steps and exercise in I suppose.
Picnic Social—20 small strawberries, 1 cheese twist w 1 Parma Ham & 1T humus, 2 Doritos, 1/2 mini Sainsbury’s brownie
50g Huel, 1g ChocFS
4 hard boiled egg whites + nooch + 1/3 egg yolk
2 Oreo thins
10 8g chicken slices
pick & eat 6 cookies
Dinner—salad, broccoli, chicken
1 ice cream bar (purge3)
Focus May Ball—cake cake cake cake cake cake, pasta bake, 3 popcorn
Don’t know if I should go out tonight hmmmmmmmmm
I survived the picnic Social even though there was ~free food~! I didn’t feel the need to take everything (even the cookies! I knew I had cookies at home and it’s also not worth it), and I didn’t feel the need to keep eating. What helped was having brought my own safe foods as well, so I’m never without options and completely at a loss. I think I’ll do that later, too, for the party! A bit nervous but oh wells.
Today was DEFINITELY a trying day. A social in the morning, dinner at church, sweets at church, free flow food and sweets and goodies and the party, supposedly alcohol for clubbing after. To summarize it in a coupla words, “I tried”. And I say this in the most positive way possible: I brought my own strawberries to the picnic. I had my Huel. I tried to eat protein. I brought my own dinner. I didn’t have the sweets…well I did and I admit I slipped a bit and purged a bit because I was panicking I still had the rest of the day…and then I went to the party where I had no idea what to expect and I really didn’t know how to regulate myself because it was too overwhelming. Didn’t drink calories. Unknown calories, unlimited spread, huge variety, unknown social situation…I was going to purge after consuming a huuuge amount of cake and pasta, but decided to have fun and dance instead. THEN I went to the club without drinking the 500kcal of vodka I thought I’d need, and it was still plenty fun! 10,000 steps in after midnight All in all, it was a good attempt!
Several lessons though: Stay away from cookies lmao muffins are a better option. (AND there are lower calorie cookies!) I’m really bad at “saving” my calories for later in the day, because I’ve worked so hard to get this consistency and routine going, and much prefer not eating so much so late.
Weight: 56.9-57.1kg well, it’s difficult to out-exercise a bad diet. Gained at least 0.2kg, but just gotta keep being consistent and JUST KEEP TRYING. Damage control at all times is possible.
Food Intake: (1803kcal)
50g Huel, ChocFS
1/2 sticky toffee pudding w ice cream
some salad leaves
cs eat 2 carrot cakes 2 Nutella cakes flapjack
Formal Dinner—asparagus soup, chicken w risotto, lemon cake
So I had a Formal Dinner with the PseudoBF and we took a walk after which was lovely (and burns calories wahoo) and helps with digestion. He was SO KEEN on eating popcorn and drinking soda etc while we watched Monsters University together, and I’d rejected eating popcorn the last time since strict IF. I was prepared to break my IF but remain within calorie goals, BUT realised I didn’t have to! Sounds a lil disordered, I know, but I could just seem like I was eating it hahaha I didn’t actually need to, and i consider it net benefit because he didn’t have to feel weird eating popcorn while I didn’t, and I didn’t have to eat popcorn that I didn’t feel the need to eat
Exercise: 6+h Ultimate Frisbee competition I am KNACKERED! Was gonna cycle for 6km and Hip Hop but decided chilling was in order. 25 000+ steps and 3017kcal burnt!
Huel is such a wonderful food to bring to an all day frisbee competition omg. So convenient, won’t spoil in a thermos, can just sip it between games…great stuff. Speaking of which, I SAW HUEL SHAKER BOTTLES ON THE PITCH WITH HUEL I HAVE A HUEL FRIEND HERE!!! OMG. WHOS THIS MYSTERY HUEL FRIEND?!
I lowkey felt kinda entitled to eating a SHIT TON OF SWEETS today just because we spent so much time running around haha but well I tried. Could be worse.
Ahaha so I saw that at 11.30pm I was at around 2900kcal burnt and was like OMG what if I make it to 3000? I’ve never burnt 3000kcal ever so might as well give it a go! So I took a walk with the PseudoBF and it was such a lovely walk; walking dates are actually so much fun! And my laziness no longer outweighs my determination to get steps in which is gr8 bc I’m largely a lazy piece of shit. So yeah, 27000+ steps and 3017kcal burnt!
I’m getting more comfortable with being able to eat with friends and still not blow everything. I mean it’s hard, but not as nerve wrecking and as it once was.
Ohhhhh wow today wasn’t a great day food wise. Had quite the cs binge, but while I was binging I made it a point to note my possible triggers:
My best friend at Uni just left for good. I cried a bit, and thought I was fine, but also proceeded to binge so I guess there could be a connection.
Larger than usual caloric deficit (1100kcal vs 300-500kcal).
Not having my lunch Huel.
The need to FINISH all the food and not waste it because I’m leaving next week and have to pack up.
The Huel Flavour Systems are wonderful in milk or yogurt #HuelHack
My vices in different locations and routines change: it was bakery bread buns at home, it was Nutella and brioche bread in Germany, and it’s brioche bread and cookies here (LOL bread is always my vice xD). I can’t wait til I get away from the UK and stop having cookies as my vice loool.
BUT as much as I’ve kinda binged, I’m not going to feel guilty. I’m going to look towards the next step that I CAN take, and I know I can still do 12-8 IF.
Exercise: Zilch. although I did go help my Friend to carry his boxes to storage, and it felt good when one of the guys found it heavy and I just picked it up
So I’m trying to decide if I should go to my college’s Garden Party. I’m going to 2 other garden parties AND a June Event already. I mean, the cost and the effort and the social situation is definitely a deterring factor, but if I’m completely honest it’s because of the food and alcohol. It’s kind of like a buffet: if I pay £15 for the party and it’s not even fun so I’d eat as much as I could to make up for it??? Oh well I’m going, and I’m going to deal with it.
1.50pm: I’ve eaten 1000kcal in an hour…
Exercise: I feel my all-or-nothing-streak mindset coming into play. I’ve probably walked 10000 steps everyday for the last week and exercised which is great, but it’s also making me a bit scared to NOT do that some days. And I’m just plain exhausted and don’t want to workout after that 6h frisbee day, but there’s the fear of gaining weight and not “burning 2300kcal” and only burning say 1600kcal by being dead as sedentary. But NO there are going to be days I’m just tired, and that’s also okay. So long as I try to be more active in general, I can still lose fat and be healthier. And one day of resting isn’t going to make me a sedentary slob. I’m almost tempted to cycle to dance and back and skip out on punting with friends…but I think I’ll socialise with friends instead.
And no, the stress of the next 4 days of erratic eating and schedules does NOT help. Still, I try my best.
Its a GOOD thing I’m realising how straightforward weight loss is: burn more than you eat = lose weight. How to go about doing it? Now that’s the journey.
10.54pm: Lol so I was doing alright…until I proceeded to binge on at least 812kcal of brioche buns. I’m not sure why I did, but I think it was for the physiological familiarity of peeling brioche buns, for comfort?? I’m not sure. I’m also not quite sure why, could either be stressing about all the parties and uncertainty for the next 4 days, or filling the void of my Best Friend leaving. Or both. It’s weird, it’s not like we’re dating or anything, but I guess I didn’t realise how attached I’d get in a term, and how much I’ll miss him
Oh it could also be having an abnormally large caloric deficit: it’s probably better to stick to a 500kcal daily deficit as far as possible (~1500kcal) so as to not trigger physiological binges.
11.07pm: Its a bummer knowing I’m going to gain weight tomorrow, but CONSISTENCY TRUMPS ALL. I need to keep trying, and I need to go in with a plan. (For the next 4 days)
Eat after 12, but since most activities happen at night, it’s ok if I don’t IF strictly these 4 days.
Continue to track on MFP.
Don’t expect losses, try to stay below 57 or at worst 57.5kg.
Remember: I don’t like feeling overstuffed, and it’s likely to trigger purging which is HAAARD.
Move as much as possible. The smaller the calorie surplus the faster I’ll get back on track.
Enjoy the experience, the food, the company!
Eat Huel when I can.
HAHAHA I just kinda convinced another Friend to try Huel!! He might get it next term, since we’re moving accommodations and he can’t be arsed to cook. The idea probably sparked in him after he sees me decked out in Huel merch daily, and my room being littered with Huel, Huel granola, Huel flavour, Huel bars and Huel boxes