Day 162 I’m tired.
Weight: 52.9kg le sigh
Food Intake: (lmao I tallied at the end of the day and it was 2604kcal OOPS. Update I binged again after going home so it’s probably ~3300kcal but I surprisingly don’t feel like killing myself)
- 112g Huel, Matcha & ChocFS
- 1 can chilli tomato tuna
- 2 packets seaweed
- 1 packet chips more
- 1 packet Apollo wafers
- a lot of binging ahahahaha ignore me…
Activity: (2344kcal out)
- 45min Urban Hip Hop
- 1h Power Pump class
- 16,702 steps total
- Need to stop eating outside food / overeating in general I was so damn close
- After my appointment with the psychologist today… I really think I’m gonna take a break from calorie counting. It’s borne out of fear that I’d regain all the weight I lost, but I can’t expend 70% of my time and energy trying to lose weight. I’m exhausted and it’s just not sustainable. Besides, ideally, I’d like to be able to manage my weight and understand and trust my body’s cues, not stuff myself out of dissociation.
- It will take a while before the initial novelty of not calorie counting (aka perhaps a bit of overeating) dies down, so I will accept that a bit of gain may happen, but it’s part of the process and I KNOW how to lose weight. I will not regain all the weight so long as i don’t think “screw it” and let go.
- Ok so today was quite a bingey day and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was around 3300kcal consumed: I think I got quite excited thinking I’m not gonna be obsessively restrictive, and my brain is scared that I’m just gonna be overly strict to compensate so it binges now. It’s all a process, and it WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE END. This is gonna be a Long post since I’m trying to figure out what exactly I’m trying to do
- 11.42pm: sooooooooo i really did try, but as it turns out I couldn’t deal with having over eaten and the scale saying 55kg, so I shoveled down a bunch of ice cream that i couldn’t taste because I’m sick and then I purged… ;-;
The Plan (Take II): fret not, I’ll still be keeping up the log
- I’ll be weighing myself still, and I’ll keep trying to reach my 52 goal even though I know that might not happen. It WILL though, and I won’t have to sacrifice my mental health for it.
- Track food still—eat balanced meals!!!
- New: Listen to my body’s cues, if it’s satiated, don’t stuff it. I don’t NEED food all the time.
- KEEP TRYING MY BEST. Just because I’ve had a surplus doesn’t mean I need to be all or nothing and blow it. I’ll be doing this for days; the food won’t run away. + more = diminishing marginal returns.
- Listen to my body’s cues, be able to stop. It’s so difficult to tear myself away, it’s almost like I’d rather feel like crap than to leave things on a plate.
- See how well I can estimate what my body needs without counting (my checks and balances being the scale, my 12-8 rule, desire for consistency, hating the feeling of being full, not wanting to have to purge.)
- Get rid of the exercise calories-food calories link bc it’s stressing me out too much
- Spend more brain effort on other productive things like GETTING AN INTERNSHIP (I really want to intern at Huel; I’ve literally never believed so much in a product and its cause before)
- Be able to go out with friends before I go back! Enjoy these last few days
- Stop being so all or nothing—like overeating = binge, or unknown calories = binge
- To keep picking healthy options: just because I’m not counting the calories or macros doesn’t mean they don’t count. They still do, and they still affect my health.
- Not feel the need to “finish” everything. Work on some lingering behaviours.
- Learn: Observe as much of the side effects as I can! Maximise this experience
What to expect
- My weight may go up to 54kg. Hopefully not more.
- I may binge a bit the first few days of excitement. I will also be very disappointed that I’ve been so close to my goal of 52 and didn’t reach it yet —> Remind myself that this is an investment, and work hard at sticking to 12-8 and listening to my bodily cues. Give myself a week or two to settle into this. I need a mental break, and I can always do a 100% Huel when I get back to the UK next week!
Mantras to remind myself
- I KNOW how to lose weight. It’s not out of my control. If I have a break, I’m a lot more likely to be able to renew my strength and commitment to do this.
- It will take longer, but giving up isn’t gonna get me anywhere. I will get there so long as I keep trying. The road is winding but it will get there.
- Losing weight isn’t actually all that matters in life. What does, is my making progress and not giving up on my goals. Sure, at the end of the day, I love losing fat. But what truly wrecks me is a lack of direction and goals to achieve.