Food Intake: (lmao I tallied at the end of the day and it was 2604kcal OOPS. Update I binged again after going home so itās probably ~3300kcal but I surprisingly donāt feel like killing myself)
112g Huel, Matcha & ChocFS
1 can chilli tomato tuna
2 packets seaweed
1 packet chips more
1 packet Apollo wafers
a lot of binging ahahahaha ignore meā¦
Activity: (2344kcal out)
45min Urban Hip Hop
1h Power Pump class
16,702 steps total
Other Observations:
Need to stop eating outside food / overeating in general I was so damn close
After my appointment with the psychologist todayā¦ I really think Iām gonna take a break from calorie counting. Itās borne out of fear that Iād regain all the weight I lost, but I canāt expend 70% of my time and energy trying to lose weight. Iām exhausted and itās just not sustainable. Besides, ideally, Iād like to be able to manage my weight and understand and trust my bodyās cues, not stuff myself out of dissociation.
It will take a while before the initial novelty of not calorie counting (aka perhaps a bit of overeating) dies down, so I will accept that a bit of gain may happen, but itās part of the process and I KNOW how to lose weight. I will not regain all the weight so long as i donāt think āscrew itā and let go.
Ok so today was quite a bingey day and I wouldnāt be surprised if it was around 3300kcal consumed: I think I got quite excited thinking Iām not gonna be obsessively restrictive, and my brain is scared that Iām just gonna be overly strict to compensate so it binges now. Itās all a process, and it WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE END. This is gonna be a Long post since Iām trying to figure out what exactly Iām trying to do
11.42pm: sooooooooo i really did try, but as it turns out I couldnāt deal with having over eaten and the scale saying 55kg, so I shoveled down a bunch of ice cream that i couldnāt taste because Iām sick and then I purgedā¦ ;-;
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā The Plan (Take II): fret not, Iāll still be keeping up the log
Iāll be weighing myself still, and Iāll keep trying to reach my 52 goal even though I know that might not happen. It WILL though, and I wonāt have to sacrifice my mental health for it.
12-8
Huel
Water
Track food stillāeat balanced meals!!!
New: Listen to my bodyās cues, if itās satiated, donāt stuff it. I donāt NEED food all the time.
KEEP TRYING MY BEST. Just because Iāve had a surplus doesnāt mean I need to be all or nothing and blow it. Iāll be doing this for days; the food wonāt run away. + more = diminishing marginal returns.
Goals
Listen to my bodyās cues, be able to stop. Itās so difficult to tear myself away, itās almost like Iād rather feel like crap than to leave things on a plate.
See how well I can estimate what my body needs without counting (my checks and balances being the scale, my 12-8 rule, desire for consistency, hating the feeling of being full, not wanting to have to purge.)
Get rid of the exercise calories-food calories link bc itās stressing me out too much
Spend more brain effort on other productive things like GETTING AN INTERNSHIP (I really want to intern at Huel; Iāve literally never believed so much in a product and its cause before)
Be able to go out with friends before I go back! Enjoy these last few days
Stop being so all or nothingālike overeating = binge, or unknown calories = binge
To keep picking healthy options: just because Iām not counting the calories or macros doesnāt mean they donāt count. They still do, and they still affect my health.
Not feel the need to āfinishā everything. Work on some lingering behaviours.
Learn: Observe as much of the side effects as I can! Maximise this experience
What to expect
My weight may go up to 54kg. Hopefully not more.
I may binge a bit the first few days of excitement. I will also be very disappointed that Iāve been so close to my goal of 52 and didnāt reach it yet ā> Remind myself that this is an investment, and work hard at sticking to 12-8 and listening to my bodily cues. Give myself a week or two to settle into this. I need a mental break, and I can always do a 100% Huel when I get back to the UK next week!
Mantras to remind myself
I KNOW how to lose weight. Itās not out of my control. If I have a break, Iām a lot more likely to be able to renew my strength and commitment to do this.
It will take longer, but giving up isnāt gonna get me anywhere. I will get there so long as I keep trying. The road is winding but it will get there.
Losing weight isnāt actually all that matters in life. What does, is my making progress and not giving up on my goals. Sure, at the end of the day, I love losing fat. But what truly wrecks me is a lack of direction and goals to achieve.
Iām starting to be more excited about baking and cooking. I guess if Iād had to track everything meticulously, cooking is honestly just such a pain. But I made roasted veggies (with an oil spray) and they taste SO GOOD!!! Really enjoying it
I realised I was still very stuck in a black and white, all-or-nothing mindset: I hadnāt realised that Iād put food into 2 categories
GoodāKnown calories, my own measured food or from a packet or Huel, repeated & part of a routine
BadāUnknown calories, outside food, not-worth-it, not repeated
ā¦and that kind of meant that I mentally compartmentalised my home food to not have to be very tasty, because knowing the calories and losing weight off of it was of utmost importance. I need to strike a balance.
Iāve started to have a little more mental space to do other things! What my psychologist said rang true: I donāt want to live my life focusing 70% of my brain on food and losing weight. And besides, the less I think about it, the more likely I am to eat less and actually enjoy my food! Already, Iām doing things like art (calligraphy), baking for people, spending time with my mumā¦
Its a little difficult to rationalise thatās the mental benefits are worth it, and that the physical weight gains (that WILL BE TEMPORARY I SWEAR BECAUSE IM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS WEIGHT LOSS THING) are ok for now. But Iāll stick this through as much as it kills me, I know itās good for the long run. For example, Iām going to go exercise, not with the mindset that I need to burn as many calories as possible, but because I know I need activity and itās good for me. Helps with a deficit too, although that canāt be the sole reason since I donāt know what my calories in are.
OMG: AHHHHH GUYS!!! So I logged my intake at the end of the day and guess what? (I mean some are estimates but still) It totaled to around 1500-1600kcal!! AND hereās the kicker: when I looked at the macros, it was a perfect 41:29:30 split?! Even with the cookie dough included! Maybe I can actually slowly start to trust my bodyā¦ I think I almost cried with happiness.
Buffet Lunch tomorrow, another dinner on Sunday, last family day on Monday, flight & jet lag on Tuesday, settling back into the UK afterā¦this is going to be a tough week.
2am: Iām still full. Crap I probably miscounted and have over-eaten after all. Bracing myself for yet another gainā¦
Food Intake: (a lot; also binged on bread & purged ><)
Activity: (2376kcal out)
45min dance class
17,510 steps total (clubbing LOLLLL)
Other Observations:
Was very tired. Binged on bread til I was so stuffed it hurt to ~exist~ let alone moveā¦had to get it out of me Definitely donāt think a buffet is a good idea anymore.
Im really impressed by your activity level, you rock! Even on my most active days, where I feel like I really have given it a lot, Iām not burning more than just around 2000 kcal - and most days I struggle to get above 1500. Even when I clock 15k steps - and Iām taller and heavier than you
So remember to give your self credit for that, itās really an achievement to be that active
65g red bean bread & 45g kaya bun & 10g choc bread
23 pieces chicken in porridge
100g ea of (cabbage, enoki mushroom)
1/2 peanut cookie
3 egg whites
Dinner ā Omurice w Japanese curry & 2 slices katsu
Activity: (2538kcal out)
24,217 steps total
Other Observations:
I think I can do with this level of not tracking calories. Iād just input it at the end of the day for fun, and it didnāt seem exorbitant. Iāve eaten what Iāve felt like mostly, and was able to go out to eat with a Friend without really freaking out about the choices. Choosing Japanese curry when my initial pick of mixed veggies wasnāt available, and managing to stop eating when i wasnāt actually hungry anymore. A lot more flexible, and more mental space to deal with other problems.
Less inclination to EAT ALL THE SWEETS now that Iāve allowed my brain the freedom to essentially eat whatever I want :ā) Also donāt feel the need to eat sweets JUST BECAUSE I CAN, am starting to listen to what my body actually wants. This is so new to me.
b&pād siGH; yesterday was a good day though. I tried not to, but I know itās emotional because Iām leaving home tomorrow and I guess it gets my mind off things? & also idk I just had one thing on my mindāto get rid of all the remaining food I have in the house and will not be able to have for the next yearā¦which is a lot.
bpād again because itās the last family dinner and last of home food and ahhhhhh I wish I dealt with stress better
Sheās just getting started. Check back in a few hours and all the info will be there. If you prefer journals with no content, you ought to check mine out!!!
Mostly because I believe that in order to be at our best (healthiest) we should not be measuring every step we take. Do not get me wrong, I myself have a watch with stepcounter, a MFP account and continuously make choices (food and others) looking at calories and nutritional parameters.
It is just that those days that I get to not worry about it are when I feel the most free.
Activity: probably none bc imma be on a plane ļø (1904kcal out, 7571 steps total)
Other Observations:
Havenāt been doing too well on the recovery front. Tbh Iām exhausted and everythingās changing and I guess I fall back into bad habitsā¦just donāt have the energy to think through it all and come up with game plans.
Although I know that something I need to do is settle into a healthy sustainable lifestyle to once again lose weight gradually, instead of erratic gains and losses. I donāt want to be attributing my weight loss to having purged, nor start to associate purging with good or rewarding. I choose how to wire my brain.
9.31pm: Iām so disoriented with the days but HELLO UK HUELERS IM BAcK IN YOUR TIMEZONE!!
Food-wise today has been FANTASTIC. Planes and time zones usually mess me up so much and I often end up binging, but itās been amazing! More details to follow. Tl;dr iām getting better at listening to my body and hunger signals, and not counting calories does help with less anxiety when Iām having an absolute upheaval in routine
Hey Chris, I just wanted to say as a complete newbie, who has been reading all the topics, I have found your story, updates and conversations with others fascinating and hugely inspirational. You should be extremely proud of yourself and know that even the smallest detail shared could go a long way to helping someone else.
I have pulled this quote out, as I thought Iād offer some unsolicited advice (which is the worst kind, but stillā¦). Whilst you are in an energy funk, try not to beat yourself up planning. You already have game plans that youāve used successfully in the past (I know this as Iāve read a lot of your posts over the past few days). Itās no bad thing to revisit what has worked in the short term, whilst you conserve energy and get yourself ready for a new plan. It may mean standing still, but importantly itās not going backwards and that will give you time to scheme.
carrots, eggplant dip, 8 grapes, 12 chicken slices, 80g crayfish tails, 1 fibre one chocolate cake bar
fish & veg
1 slice chicken bacon pizza
Activity: (2153kcal out)
11,762 steps total
Other Observations:
Looks like I can indeed hit my goals without explicitly counting every calorie! Iāve counted so long I CAN TRUST MYSELF.
So what I did (without really planning beforehand tbh) was to eat from 12-8pm in my home timing. Iād eat my own lunch, then pack the one the airline gave me for when I was actually hungry. Then Iām fasting until 12-8pm UK time (which is 7h extra, so 24h). Itās not THAT difficult because we had to get off and on planes and coaches and stuff, BUT hunger got pretty rumbly and I spent most of fasting awake. Made it easy and straightforward to just write eating off my mind and work with the changing timezones. Besides, I spent most of the trip sedentary so I donāt actually need more calories.
Itās hard because the schedule is so erratic, but Iāll try my best! 12-8 and 10,000 steps; I forgot to get my Huel from the porters oops.
1/2 packer mixed veggies w 15g sesame sauce + 1/2 tin tuna w 15g mustard
shit ton of cake, cookies, ice cream, idek man
more cake, snacks, strawberries, grapes
chicken w kale
trifle pudding
Activity: (2366kcal out)
19,314 steps total
Other Observations:
NOT GOOD. B/pād twice. Overate. Idk man I guess stress and jetlag and routine change and so many unknown food situations and PMSā¦
@MarkyT Thanks for the very sound advice (unsolicited or not, still useful); will do! And thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot hahaha I totally know what you mean by having read ALL the posts; that was me when I first got onto the forum! kudos on making it through my metric shit ton of posts though hahahhaa hope Huelās been good for you so far!
Dinnerā2 sushi , miso soup, broccoli w sesame sauce
8 strawberries
Activity: (2209kcal out)
15,774 steps total
Other Observations:
b/pād again even though I told myself not to in the morning!! UGH I think itās because of how out of control I feel with the routine and type of food changing. Not counting calories worked for a while back home because Iād already gotten used to a type of routine that worked so I already had a feel for it, but rn itās all over the place; thereās so much food everywhere; I donāt know how to regulate myself and I donāt have a routine and ahhhhhhh. Things should get better after tomorrow though, and Iāll try to come up with more of a plan. In the meantime, Iām just terrified of gaining with all the social events and how out of control I am, and so I end up purging ugh.
I might go back to calorie counting depending, to get me into a healthy rhythm.
Why I donāt want to purge:
I know binging and purging will most likely either stall my weight loss or make me gain since like 70% would be absorbed and if I binge with the knowledge Iād be purging it could be thousands of calories.
Screws up my teeth and enamel
Puffy cheeks
Socially inappropriate
I want a consistent healthy routine and not be sucked further into bulimia. I need to learn how to cope with all this in healthy ways.
Messes up my electrolyte levels and makes me dehydrated af.
What has worked best for you in the past, in helping you from binging/purging? Was there a particular plan/routine/combo that was working, that you could revisit (I appreciate that what I am talking about is a lot easier said than done!).
I know in the past you spent a period of time going 100% Huel. Did that work for you? How did you cope with it? Could going 100% be like pressing a reset for you, before easing ātraditionalā food back in to your daily routine?
I am very far from an expert on EDās, so rather than offer advice, Iām asking questions in the hope that it prompts a chat about the positive actions that have worked for you.
Weight increase bcāate 3h later than usual, binging, PMS
My throat really hurts. I want to not purge, but I need to find an alternative system.
Okay since I need a little more guidance wrt settling into a routine (this will be seen as the transition period) + more control + more incentive not to binge & to value consistency instead, I am going to log calories at the end of the day. See how far off I am and tweak accordingly. Iāll give myself a week to try this out, and will try my best not to b/p. (csok)
Weight: 53.1kg HAHAHHAHA THIS BLOODY WEIGHT AGAIN Iām laughing
Food Intake: (2292kcal in w/o purging)
1/2 of (112g NewHuel)
carrots, tomatoes, 1 can tuna w mustard
bingeāchocolate, brownies, 330g ice cream, pork scratchings etc.
1 piece fish, 1 piece Chinese chicken
Activity: (1978kcal out)
11,095 steps total
Other Observations:
I need a plan but Iām just so overwhelmed by all the events and rapidly changing routine and food and ahhhhhhhhh I keep gaining weight & I donāt have an exercise programme!!! AGH Iām just gonna try not to gain beyond 53.5kg or 54kg. Stick to my habits. 12-8. Huel. It will settle down; this will all come to pass.
I think I almost cried with happiness.
Bracing myself for yet another gainā¦
Definitely donāt think a buffet is a good idea anymore.
w tuna
ļø (1904kcal out, 7571 steps total)
, miso soup, broccoli w sesame sauce