📓 Daily Journal: Intermittent Fasting (16:8), ED Recovery and Weight Loss

[hunzas]

@Wendy_Shepherd

they do look good and I’d be hunting them down like a rabid dog.

I’d like to hunt down vegans with a rabid dog.

[jeffy89]

Day 185

Weight: 52.8kg this bulimia shit isn’t gonna help me lose weight.

Food Intake: (3070kcal without p)

• 1/2 of Huel, ChocFS (but it’d gone off so I had to toss it :/)
• 1/2 scotch egg
• 200g chicken w 15g mustard
• 1/3 of mushroom mince w 3g nooch
• 228g strawberries
• 5 butterfingers
• hotpot chicken mussels etc
• binge—ice cream, fibre 1, Rice Krispies

Activity: (1969kcal out)

Other Observations:

• I’m not gonna commit to anything for now because I know the underlying mental shit needs to be talked through with my psych or it’ll just be halfassed attempts from me which I feel so frustrated by. BUT having basically finished all my binge food (I was looking for stuff to binge on last night and …didn’t really have stuff…), I’m going to commit to not buying sweets. I’m still gonna consume the odd one but I’ll just track it on MFP. Try my best to 12-8.
• I have little cuts and stuff all over my tongue and gums this is actually grim.
• Lmao I literally have no more ice cream & have nearly depleted my sweets…here’s to hoping my binges get smaller since I don’t wanna spend money on sweets!

[Africorn]

Have you tried committing yourself to a Huel-only diet? Huel banished all my cravings, but also I think it would be difficult to binge on Huel. I know I don’t have an ED, but if I eat things that don’t satisfy my body (ie don’t have the nutrients I need) then I’m always eating other stuff to try to make up for what I’m not getting from what I have eaten (which turns into a vicious circle).

[jeffy89]

@Africorn I’ve done 100% Huel for a week, so yeah I’m considering that. It’s difficult for now because I have many social events, and I need to sort out some mental processes that will prevent me from progressing very far.
The binging isn’t just physical for me, so I need to address the psychological side too Thanks for your suggestion, will definitely keep it in mind

[Wendy_Shepherd]

I’m confused. Don’t you mean non-vegans?

[Wendy_Shepherd]

@jeffy89

I have little cuts and stuff all over my tongue and gums

Sounds rough. Have you been purging splinters? I guess it’s the effect of the stomach acid really.

[Coup]

@Wendy_Shepherd

I’m confused. Don’t you mean non-vegans?

I think he was just being a dick. Hard to imagine I know.

[hunzas]

You know me too well Coup. Most vegans are dicks.

[jeffy89]

Day 186

Weight: 52.6kg

Food Intake: (4364kcal in)

• 112g Huel, MochaFS
• 100g chicken w 15g mustard
• 396g carrots, roasted
• 1 packet teddies
• 1 Nutella B-ready
• binge
• 7 chicken slices
• binge & ridiculous macs binge

Activity: (1951kcal out)

• 8045 steps total
• 1h gym

Other Observations:

• I have nearly exhausted my binge haul stash. It’s actually pretty good: I literally can’t binge on much because it isn’t there. The shops are all closed at 5pm too which means I can’t give in to urges to get ice cream to purge. Now to stop my irrational binge-brain from buying sweets tmr, and/or McDonalds (I don’t even like McDonalds wtf)
• …yeah never mind.

[jeffy89]

Day 187

Weight: 52.6kg

Food Intake: (4970kcal in)

Activity: (1680kcal out)

• 7046 steps total

Other Observations:

• psych appointment please come soon :< 2 more days of ED hell!!

[Wendy_Shepherd]

Oh Chris, I really feel for you, stay strong and don’t be too hard on yourself as I suspect this would be counter productive.

@jeffy89

Now to stop my irrational binge-brain from buying sweets tmr, and/or McDonalds

One thing that I do to stop myself buying crap when I’m out, is leave home with no money and no card. Don’t know if this would work for you.

[jeffy89]

Day 188

Weight: 52.5kg

Food Intake: (3693kcal in)

Activity: (1400kcal out)
*

Other Observations:

• lmao i mistook my psych date; it’s 3 more days of ED hell…
• I’m skipping every single activity I love, and almost my lectures, because of the bloody ED. It’s insane how this crept back so insidiously…

@Wendy_Shepherd thank you <3 it’s definitely not working for me now, because all larger rationality has gone out of the window, but I will definitely keep that in mind for when my non-ED brain is brought back down to earth a bit more. It’s hard…

[Wendy_Shepherd]

Is there anybody in rl you can talk to about this, who you trust and think could possibly help you over the next few days?

[jeffy89]

Day 189

Weight: 52.8kg

Food Intake: (4497kcal in)

Activity: (1741kcal out)

Other Observations:

• it’s not just about the food. it’s not just about the weight. it’s about control when I don’t have any.
• the ED is taking over my life I’ve missed literally every activity in the last week and I don’t want to see friends or go out I barely make it to lectures. It’s like the ED irrationally shoves every priority out of my life and monopolises it instead. I have barely moved or exercised either bc I’m just so focused on b/p-ing and being constantly on the edge of a breakdown.
• I was 52.8 on 5 September SIGH I need to write down all the reasons I need to recover

@Wendy_Shepherd thankfully I have one Friend in my life irl that I reached out to and he’s been very understanding and supportive. I couldn’t be more grateful, but I recognise that there’s a limit to which he can help me… professional help is definitely necessary at this point.

[jeffy89]

Day 190

Weight: 52.7kg

Food Intake: (didn’t even bother)

Activity: (1869kcal out)

• 7133 steps total

[jeffy89]

Day 191

Weight: 52.4kg

Food Intake: (not sure tbh, but not that much I think, p hungry) (1646kcal in??)

• 1/2 of (112g Huel, ChocFS)

Activity: (2150kcal out)

• 1.5h ultimate
• A lot of cycling around
• 12,584 steps total

Other Observations:

• Had my psych appointment. Determined to take little steps to get back on track.
• I went out to do my activities!!! I only bp’d once!!

[Lighteater]

Yeah, that four-and-a-half-cats does sound a bit odd, doesn’t it?

I started out with four cats. Actually, they were bought for my ex-partners three daughters and, when that relationship ended, I got lumbered with them. Two are sisters, and then we kept one kitten from each of their litters. They live outside, and I lock them away in their own garden shed every night, tempted in by food.

I live in a small village of 26 houses and I’m currently in my fourth house. Now, three of the cats hang out here pretty much all the time. The fourth - one of the sisters - tends to hang out around the first house I lived in, and the farm. She can be away for weeks at a time, and then comes back sometimes for a day, a night, or 2-3 weeks at the most. She always seems in good condition, so it may be that someone in the village also feeds her.

And she is what I refer to as my half-a-cat.

[jeffy89]

Day 192

Weight: 52.2kg

Food Intake: (5392kcal in)

• Lunch @ Bread & Meat w a Friend – 1/2 Philly Cheese Sandwich, 1/2 Porchetta salad bowl, ~50g 1/2 brownie
• 2241kcal bp
• Dinner @ a Friend’s – Chicken curry w rice
• ~1800kcal bp

Activity: (1879kcal out)

Other Observations:

• I kinda kept down lunch!! Not trying to purge everything I eat! & am trying to go for things! I know it’s not much progress but I am determined to keep at it. Will be looking to factor in more Huel soon.
• Today was kinda shot from the beginning bc I had 2 meals out planned. I’m gonna try harder tomorrow; no meals out.

[Africorn]

Thanks for the explanation!

[jeffy89]

Day 193

Weight: 52.8kg

Food Intake: (4535kcal in)

• Lunch—1/2 of (112g Huel, Banana Flavdrops), 100g chicken, mustard, beans w onion, 1 banana soreen
• 2095kcal binge
• Dinner—1/4 of (112g Huel, Banana Flavdrops), 150g veggies, 180g mackerel fish
• 1400kcal binge

Activity: (1549kcal out)

• 3382 steps total…walking to sainsburys and back lmao

Other Observations:

• No I can’t just bp without my weight fluctuating erratically. The most I can achieve is to not gain weight exponentially, but it doesn’t help with my long term goals. “ED doesn’t care about your future, it keeps you in the here and now.”
• I want it to finally go below 52 (it’s been here for like 2 months?!) and I’m going to have to be consistent to see that happen.
• Goals for tomorrow:

1. Only bp in the afternoon. Don’t bp @ night after orchestra. — Gonna be hard since I’ve ended every day with a bp for the last 2 weeks consecutively…but it’s not like I get to a lower weight than dinner after bp anyway.
2. Go to orchestra—I’ve got to force myself to go for things. It’s gonna be painful, but either path is gonna be painful. This path at least is enroute to what I’d like life to be ideally.

Shoutout to @DunsfordMage who seems to be making his way down my journal from the top; have a good read!